Scrap This

Dear Scrapbook Magazine Editors,
I have been an avid scrapbooker for about 8 years now. I do not live in Utah, nor am I a Mormon. Please do not hold that against me since I am aware that a huge amount of you are. I appreciate your attempts to show us new ideas and products. Your ambition to create new techniques out of seemingly impossible substances blows my mind more than Janet Jackson's exposed nip and the Superbowl.

I do, however, have to critique a few things you do. When I take photos of a particular event, I tend to take alot. So when I get them developed I want to put many of them in my scrapbook. It irks me beyond belief when you come up with a fun color theme, embellishments flying out your ass, 3 different reversible papers, and a title made from hand-sewn mulberry paper only to showcase ONE FRIGGIN' PICTURE. I don't really care how cute you think your little Maybelle is, she is not cute enough to justify 2 1/2 hours of work to showcase one picture of her chubby little face. Seriously, to do some of the tedious, carpal tunnel-inducing techniques you choose, I'd say 2 1/2 hours is on the conservative side. Get a life.

Now let me also mention these nifty little "techniques" you come up with. Again, many of these are shown to highlight one picture. Unless it is the only actual paper photograph of your great, great, great Grandma Gladys, you must put more shit on that page. This is the law of the non-Mormon scrapbooker--ME. So you're asking me to take a piece of malleable metal,cut it into a frame shape, stencil my own creative pattern with my stylus onto the metal, paint it with a coat of translucent paint, wait for that bullshit to dry, sand it lightly, repaint it with a coat of lighter paint, wait some more, sand it some more, and finally decorate it with glittery flowers and metal tags? Even if someone paid me ridiculous amount of cash I would tell them to go to hell if they asked me to do this for their scrapbook. I would rather douche with battery acid than attempt this.

Can you also clarify the necessity for double-sided paper? Are you going to decorate one side of the page then say, "Screw it!" and decorate the other side instead? Do you have a crystal meth addiction? It's the same fault I find with double-sided wrapping paper. If my daughter's fundraiser is selling wrapping paper, I will gladly buy a roll or two. But unless I am planning on being the ultimate ghetto guest and snatching up my paper from the gift I just gave, so I can reuse it with the OTHER side, I just don't get it. You are not getting double your value. They are screwing you by making you think you are. I'm too smart for that shit. If I like two designs, I'll buy two different sheets of paper. Got it?

If you have scrapbooked every occassion in your life, from your seventh child's birth (hey, most of you like big families, right?) to your neighbor's garage sale, you are a scrapbooking freak. Now all you have left to do is create random pages, all about "My Favorite Things", which often consist of a styrofoam cup of coffee, bunny slippers, or your trusty Bible. Now I'm not ragging on anyone who read the Bible, I myself could stand to brush up on the written word of God. But will you freaky, refusing-to-drink-Starbucks ladies PLEASE find another hobby? Crocheting? Needlepointe? Shopping? Masturbating? Anything, just don't waste another layout with pictures you took of your mousetraps and the paper you made look like cheese by stamping it with ACTUAL Swiss cheese and pigment inks. It is driving me crazy because I, on the other hand, have mountains of photo boxes FULL of un-scrapped photos. Care to come help me?

Just a few tips. Can't wait for my next issue! Enjoy that Utah sunshine! Jesus is the reason for the season! Choose the Right!
Toodles,
Molly Juggs Ghahtani
P.S. MY "Favorite Things" page would have a venti Gingerbread Starbuck's latte (that's an assload of caffeine between you and me), my purple "Rabbit" love toy, and a full bottle of Vicodin. But hey, I guess that's why God wants me to live here and not in Utah, next door to you!