Did any of you own The Real Mother Goose book of nursery rhymes when you were little? I not only recall owning my own well-read copy but my kids got one as a gift as babies. The black and white checkered cover and witchy-looking Mother Goose seem innocent enough...until you start reading her clever verses...
LITTLE POLLY FLINDERS
Little Polly Flinders
Sat among the cinders
Warming her pretty little toes
Her mother came and caught her,
Whipped her little daughter
For spoiling her nice new clothes.
Translation: That dumb kid was playing in the dirt with her new Limited Too outfit when Mama came by and said, "Whuuuuuuzzz uuup?! You dumb-ass brat? I done paid fitty dollars fo' dat and you gets it all dirty. I's goin' to whip yo' ass into next week!"
WEE WILLIE WINKIE
Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his nightgown;
Rapping at the window, crying through the lock,
"Are the children in their beds?
Now it's eight o'clock."
Translation: Wee Willie Winkie had a really, embarrassingly tiny wee wee. He likes to wear Victoria's Secret Pink Collection nighties. He does a drag show every night down the streets, hoping to wake little boys and girls to see him in his feathered finery.
Georgy Porgy
Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgy Porgy ran away.
Translation: This kid's got some ISSUES. The girls cried because he had dick on his breath. Probably Wee Willie Winkie's. But alas, when the boys wanted to play, he cried like a little bitch because he's more closeted than a set of IKEA shelves.
HANDY PANDY
Handy Pandy, Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy.
He bought some at a grocer's shop,
And out he came, hop, hop, hop!
Translation: Dandy Jack just came from his dealer who gives him 12 tabs of Ecstasy that he calls "candy" so he can hop, hop, hop and ya' don't stop, stop, stop!
ONE MISTY MOISTY MORNING
One misty moisty morning,
When cloudy was the wather,
I chanced to meet an old man,
Clothed all in leather
He began to compliment
And I began to grin.
How do you do? And how do you do?
And how do you do again?
Translation: This creepy leather daddy made her all hot and bothered. Was the air moist or were her panties? They wasted time with formal chit chat before hitting the truckstop bathroom so he could rumple her petticoats.
LITTLE PUSSY
I like little Pussy,
Her Coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her
She'll do me no harm;
So I'll not pull her tail
Nor drive her away,
But Pussy and I
Very gently will play.
Translation: I have chronic masturbating issues. I touch myself 24/7 in a gentle way that says "Oh, me so HOOOOOOOOORRRRNY!"
BOY AND GIRL
There was a little boy and a little girl
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"Shall I, oh shall I?"
Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
Says the little boy to the little girl,
" I will kiss you."
Translation: These two horny crack heads don't have anything else to do so they're going to make a booty call happen right in the alley. Ah, young love....
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