Buffet On Wheels

Right now when I drive I feel like I'm inside a pinball machine. How is this possible, you ask? Well if you give 1 fidgety 5 year-old 1 large-sized box of Gobstoppers candy, turn 1 too many corners, and combine with 1 chatty, taunting 7 year-old sister, you have the recipe for disaster. Isabella dropped her entire box of candy, which quickly rolled and dispersed itself into every nook and cranny in my minivan. I can't see these marble-like candies but every time I drive I can hear them rolling around like a load of ball bearings. Initially I thought it was some odd mishap in my engine, pehaps even something "fishy" concocted by my shady neighbor who loves me so much to begin with. It sounds funny but every time I turn a corner I feel like I'm stuck in a giant maraca minivan. Not festive, very frickin' annoying.

Now the tendency for random food items accumulating on the floor of my car is not a new phenomenon. My husband often wonders how so much shit can trash up my car so quickly. Have you ever driven two kids around to school, dance, playdates, shopping, out to eat, to the bank, and Girl Scouts for years? I don't think so. Daddy's car stays more pristine because I am the primary bus driver in this house. If we were trapped in our car for some freak reason, I believe we could survive for a week or two thanks to all the food remnants my kids have dropped onto the floor. Upon vacuuming my own car (the dumb-ass carwash has decided vacuuming your car is just extravagant enough to be considered the ULTIMATE wash so now I do it myself, and poorly at that) I discovered a treasure trove of (stale and half-melted) treats.
*At least a full sandwich baggie of Goldfish crackers, some smashed to bits, some soggy.
*Rolos chocolate candies wedged under the seat levers. Several had melted and re-solidified into foil nuggets. Don't know how I'll get those loose.
* At least one small serving of McDonald's french fries. These are a tad crunchy. Might need lots of chewing to digest.
* 5 ketchup packets, thank God still unopened. Might rehydrate those fries....
* 14 chewed pieces of gum. Putting it back into the wrapper, which gets tossed on the floor, would be too logical. The wrapper's down there, I'll just toss the gum down there, too! Slobs. I am raising slobs with no manners..
* 3 petrified gummy worms
* a baggie of what used to be pear slices. They are now black, orange, furry, and I think it might talk if I open it. Not edible in the slightest.
* 1/2 bottle of flat Sprite
* 1/4 crusty peanut butter sandwich
* 2 Blow Pops that were once sucked on then discarded. They now have hair, sunflower seed shells, and dirt all over them. And they're stuck to my carpet.
* assorted Smarties, Dum Dums, M&M's, licorice, and peanuts. Too many to count.

This did not just happen one day. It is a cumulative effect. Men do not understand this. See, we head out with a clean car. We go the grocery store. The kids get a cookie they do not finish. We go to the dry cleaners. Lollipops that aren't the best flavors get tossed. Lunch at Burger King means slushie cups and loose fries in the cars. Old snacks from backpacks get fished out and baggies galore litter my car. When it's time to come back into the house, who carries all this crap inside? My maid? My butler? Sorry, it's just good ol' mom. So I have groceries, dry cleaning, backpacks (my kids have Tyrannosaurus Rex arms and can't seem to carry their shit back where it belongs..),my purse, my dance bag, and a travel coffee mug. Anything else that's left can kiss my ass. Hence, the Buffet of Crap on my floor and throughout my car. If you are a mom, you get it. If you are a dad, you will not. That's okay, I've clearly explained it all to you right here so kindly take my mom van to the carwash and splurge for the Ultimate this time, okay honey? Or I could just drive your car...