You Call This Art????

Today I ventured out to the Museum of Modern and Contemporary art here in Strasbourg. I stopped at a tiny cafe where, surprise surprise, the owner spoke no English. Not a problem, I know how to order my "sandwich avec poulet" (chicken sandwich), which I think I've eaten variations of for four days now. (I wish I could find some damn fruits or veggies. They eat so much freakin' bread here. Let's just say the dam is getting a little backed up, if ya' catch my drift.) I got a little lost, had to bust out my French dictionary a few times, and froze my ass off in the chilly weather, but I finally made it to the museum. I am not an artsy person, per se, but I do enjoy looking at pieces of work from people who have possessed great skill in honing their artistic expression. Apparently there were some jack-off Joe Schmoes who thought that their shit should be considered art, too. Wow.

I saw some Sisley, Renoir, Picasso, and Gauguin. I saw an enormous painting by Gustav Dore depicting Jesus and a crowd. It had to have been 20 feet high and 30 feet wide. Now THAT, my friends, is art. It took him from 1867-1872 to complete this. I can't even complete my grocery list so it stands to reason, I guess. If you are painting something as big as a small house, it should take awhile to make it realistic. When I see stuff like this it makes me speechless. And if you know me, you know what a big mouth I have and the need to fill uncomfortable silence with inane bullshit chatter, so know this is a huge feat.

On the other hand, there was some shit I saw that was subjective at best. In other words, I found myself asking ,"What the fuck is this?!" under my breath because no one knows what the hell I am saying here anyways. There was an entire room filled with a particular artist's work, who obviously was such an ass-clown that I neglected to recall his name. He had painted square canvasses with bright paint and arranged them in squares or lines in a room. How is this art? It looked like a paint sample expo from Home Depot. "Yes, Honey, I can't quite decide which color of red I want to paint the foyer. Let's get giant paint chips and hang them so we can get a better idea of how it looks." And you know someone paid out the ass for this "art". Morons.

Another artist had taken the liberty of taking a piece of plywood, perhaps a remnant from his son's old skateboard ramp, and crudely nailing it into the shape of a table. On top of this was some sort of platform and a plexiglass box. Inside was a plastic fishing lure box filled with tiny plastic animals from a birthday cake, perhaps. A fake plant leaf had a piece of paper, which appeared to have colored with a marker by a 3 year-old, and a pipe cleaner monkey hanging from it. And this artist had the enormous balls to call it "Untitled". Excuse me, you throw a bunch of shit together that you found in your junk drawer and at your neighbor's garage sale, you are coming down from a 3-day bender on PCP and you expect a museum to house your "grand work" but you can't, for the life of you, come up with a name for it. Screw you, you arrogant piece of shit artist.

There were way too many "Untitled" works to count. So you are telling me, that with your years of going to art school, studying the great artists of our time, becoming a master of your work, that when you put hours, days, or even YEARS into a piece of your artwork that you couldn't possibly come up with a name that inspired your work? I've come up with a few titles I think I might go back and place with Post-Its around the museum...

For the giant flourescent light bridge schlepped together onto a wooden walkway (I actually thought I was in a section under renovation it was so bad): "Asswipe Light Bridge From Hell"
Plexiglas box of toys and monkey: "I Am So Stupid I Can't Create Real Art"
Styrofoam brick labeled "The saddest day I ever had": "Someone Punch Me In The Balls Because I Am a Dickwad Who Screws People Out of Their Money"
Man's sportcoat hanging on hanger: "I Am Jobless But I Got This Curator To Buy My Shit"
Stack of old frames bought at flea market:" You IS Stupid, Ain't You?!"
If you like art, please enlighten me with this insanity. I'll be the one at the corner table with the French dictionary eating my 27th chicken sandwich. And please pass the FiberCon while you're at it.