J'Adore Paris

I love Paris. I mean, I REEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLLYYYYYY love this city. Do you see the shit-eating grin on my face in these pictures?! And I love the touristy parts that people from the city scoff at. Screw them. I live near Chicago and do you want to know the last time I visited the Sears Tower? When I was 11. So I get the not giving a shit because it's in your backyard bit. But it's still so cool.

I love the old and super ornate architecture of all the buildings. It is mind-blowing how someone could spend so much time creating these structures. I know it is because Europe is so much older than the United States. But in those years it took for America to be discovered by the Europeans and to get established, did EVERYONE forget how to work hard to create something so beautiful? Or did they step onto the soil in this part of the world and say, "You know, I am dog-ass tired. I think I'm going to take a break forever. I think America will do just fine if I slap up four walls and a shitty roof. New country, new rules of building. Lazy and simple is better." So we get the shaft, thanks a fucking lot.

I loves crepes. And in France, they don't have a nifty bag, pre-frozen by Sara Lee at their local grocery store. They make that shit in a little streetside stand, with fresh batter and a little wooden tool that looks like a shovel for your American Girl doll. Fill that hot crepe with bananas and Nutella and you just might cream in your pants. I am fond of the little stand to the right, near the Eiffel Tower. I do a little crepe dance, similar to the chick in the grocery store with the "Bom Chicka Wah-Wah" commercial.

I think the Eiffel Tower at night is one of the most spectacular things you will ever see. Its twinkling lights every hour still take my breath away and make me get tears in my eyes. If you can deal with the gypsy freaks, harrassing you with "You speaka' Eeeeenglish, Miss?" or the dudes braiding pieces of rope while their buddies try to pick your pocket, you'll be fine. By the way, "Soucez ma bite" means suck my dick, in case you have any trouble.

I love the bridges, sculptures, and art museums. I love the Arc de Triomphe. I love walking by the Seine River with it's glass-topped boats. I even love the unique Metro signs, for God's sake. I love gawking at the hopelessly stylish French women who never fail to impress me with their clothing and shoes. Snotty bitches. Fuck them for making me feel like the tool of the century for choosing comfortable shoes over witchy-toed boots. I love seeing the Moulin Rouge, even though most of the naked titties look like the ones those I had when I was 13. Maybe it's that there are no hormones in their chicken or maybe it's because Dr. 90210 hasn't taken off yet in Europe.

If you get the chance, I highly recommend taking a trip to Paris. You will not regret it. Enough people speak English so you don't have to worry about being served brains, unless your sick palate likes that shit. Most menus are in English. Be forewarned that Paris really is a city for lovers. There is more making out on the streets of Paris than all your hormone-charged years with your high school and college sweethearts combined. If you are newlyweds you probably won't even notice. But then you'll be stuck in your hotel room, having wild donkey sex. That's okay, more crepes for me!!