I have to admit I really, really enjoy green bean casserole this time of year. It's simple, cheap-ass ingredients, baked to a golden, fat-laden perfection. I am currently drooling like Homer Simpson right now just thinking about it. Arrrggggghhhhh........I don't care if some of you have graduated to a classier version, sans Cream of Mushroom soup and ghetto French-Fried Onions, perhaps with pancetta, fresh organic French haricots verts, or even a creme fraiche sauce with scallions. Bite me, mine is better than yours and you know it.
I also still have a favorite cake, one that is so over-the-top sweet that the faint of heart might decline an offering of a slice of this delicacy. Cherry Chip cake, made only from the finest boxed mix, smothered in pink cherry frosting. Thank you, Betty Crocker, Your Highness. You are a genius. I sampled this treat in the form of cupcakes when I was a kid. This was when your mom could bake cupcakes for your damn birthday instead of having to bring a shitty pre-packaged snack. What kid in my class was allergic to wheat gluten, nuts, eggs, milk, and soy? That's right, NO ONE!!!!
I also love the taste of a little white trash special known as Poke Cake. Don't laugh, it's legit. In fact, it's too legit to quit...You pour unchilled, liquid Jello mix over a cake which you have poked holes into with a wooden spoon. Chill, frost with Cool Whip, and chill. Heaven in a 9X13" pan. Classy, no, but freakin' delicious. You know you want to make some right now.
And Cool Whip is another invention of the Gods. Real whipped cream tastes bad. It's just fluffed up fat with no flavor. Unless it comes compressed in a can that doubles as a party favor, don't bother. Cool Whip comes in a nifty tub and if you are sincerely desperado for a sweet treat, sit down with a spoon and go to town. Not that I have ever done this. With all this talk of cheesy ghetto food, I make myself sound like I'm sitting around in my KMart sweats, watching Montel Williams and Days of Our Lives all damn day. Puuuhhhleeeeze. My sweats are from the Gap and if I have time for TV during the day, I will watch Tivo'd Survivor. I do manage to get my (fat) ass to spin a few times per week ya' know.
I tried making Martha Stewart's macaroni and cheese with beschamel sauce and hand-grated cheeses. I ended up with bloody knuckles (cheap grater because it is such an ordeal to get out my $300 food processor just to grate some frickin' cheese), a dish that wasn't all melty and gooey like I enjoy, and kids who looked at me like, "What in THE HELL is this bullshit you expect me to eat?!" Okay, point taken. I will revert back to my famous "White Trash Mac'N'Cheese" which is made with lots of butter, sauteed onions, starchy croutons, and a huge brick of old school Velveeta Cheese. This shit is not even kept in the same area of the grocery store as the rest of the damn cheese. It's considered a "cheese product". Who cares, it probably has 10 times the cholesterol of normal cheddar if it can live for months on a hot shelf. But I'll tell you one thing it DOES do right, melt into a cheese orgy of gooey goodness, ready to please my white trash palate.
I enjoy eating food that tastes good. I do NOT enjoy getting all decked out in my finest attire to sit at a table where some fag-a-licious waiter (and some of my best friends are fags so don't get all up in arms, you queeny crusaders) gives me attitude because I don't want to order the $300 wine "flight", an appetizer, salad, main course, dessert, and espresso. My expensive dress is making me look fabulous but if I eat all the shit you are suggesting to give yourself a better tip, I will look like Roseanne Barr and you know you don't want that piece of trash being seated in your section. BACK OFF!
I'm just keepin' it real. Mama knows what she likes. I might serve you any of the aforementioned treats if you come over. And if you are in my house, you don't have to pretend I'm the declasse' queen of shameful foods. You can high five me, grab a pig in a blanket made from Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, and ask me how I made that delectable macaroni and cheese casserole. Would you like Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill with that or perhaps Franzia boxed White Zinfandel?
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