Excuse Me, Are You Corey Hart?!

There are an inordinate amount of people who think it is socially acceptable to wear their sunglasses indoors, where there is only the mere brightness of florescent lights. The only time you are within your rights to do this is when your eyes have been dilated at the optometrist. Other than that, get the hell over yourself. No one is that cool. (Slight disclaimer: if you are wearing your sunglasses on TOP of your head, say as a headband, then that is fine. They are serving another purpose beside shielding your eyes from your throngs of fans. Please...)

It reminds me of the 80's song, "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" by Corey Hart. Except it's not the 80's, you are NOT Corey hart nor one of the dancers from his video, and it's 10 o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday at Target. Bitch, I think your eyes have adjusted from the glaring sun of that parking lot by now (it's not the frickin' Sahara Desert...).

I will cut you slack if I happen to see you when your Transitions Lenses have not yet faded out. But if you are Miss Crazy Magenta Frames with Blue Blocker lenses who was doing chest exercises at Lifetime Fitness, you seemed to be disillusioned that you are Paris Hilton trying to be incognito when you shop at Walmart. Trust me, no one gives a shit WHO you are. And why don't you add about 10 more pounds on those presses, Flab-O-Tronic Arms?

I also can't stand women who wear more hair products than all of the Robert Palmer back-up dancers combined. (For those of you born after the 80's, you might not get that reference..) There's a lady who comes to kickboxing with her Farrah Fawcett flip hairdo, which she clearly spent 1 1/2 hours styling, then she hops around in her camouflage cargos and sweats like a pig. Then she looks like a soggy, 50-year-old Farrah Fawcett. Not a great visual. Throw that Frost and Tip mane into a pony tail and call it a day.

Other looks that suck:
*Low rise jeans on really big girls whose ass cracks peek out the back waistband like a gremlin at a Halloween House of Horrors

*Mom Jeans, which are most often soft, faded blue denim and at least touch the nipples with their high-waisted, "I'm an easy-going mom with an active lifestyle" look. Also known as Nipple Highs

*Jellies. These are the plastic shoes that made your feet sweat and blisters form on your pinkie toes as soon as you slipped them on. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about please peruse the dollar section of Target.

*Anything that reminds me of the 90's, when I was in college. Big, baggy t-shirts and leggings, plaid flannel shirts, Doc Martens shoes. Untweezed eyebrows and matte red lipstick are two looks I enjoyed but no one stopped to slap me for.

*platform, non-descript black loafers from Steve Madden. Ugh, so over that look.

I don't know who died and made me the Fashion Police, I just enjoy making casual observations. And like you all don't think it but just don't say it!!

On an unrelated note, I also am driven insane by all the different sizes restaurants use to denote small, medium, and large for their beverages. We went to Cosi the other day and there was Grande (small, of course) and GIGANDE for a large. No medium. The name GIGANDE was so over the top and flamboyant that was just no room or need for a medium size. And the man ringing it up loved to say it, perhaps he was Mr. Gigande himself (don't ALL guys think they are???). I totally made fun of him.
"Ma'am, would you like a grande or a GI-GAN-TAY iced tea?"
"You know you just love to say that and that's precisely why you asked me."
"Well, yes. It IS fun to say."
"And don't call me ma'am. My mother is a ma'am. I am a hot milf with perky boobs who wears t-shirts that are highly inappropriate for my age but I KNOW you love THAT..." ...Okay, so I just thought about saying that line.