Accent, Please!!!!

I am a sucker for a person with a British accent. I just got a call from a woman with such an accent requesting Molly Seymour. Obviously some Marshall Field's bill I didn't pay off because I haven't been Molly Seymour for over 12 years. She just sounded so damn pleasant, it almost made me want to pick up the phone and talk to her automated ass--almost.

Put two men in the same clothes, even a ragged sleeveless plaid flannel, combat boots, and overalls. If one man speaks with a British accent I might even believe he is sophisticated. The other dude is probably in an 80's revival band and does a mean rendition of "Come on Eileen". Tu-la-ru-la-yaaay! (Remember that verse. WTF?!)

I also like a nice Irish brogue. Colin Farrell is a drunk hooligan who can barely stay sober for one scene. But when opens his mouth to speak it is quite charming. Jonathan Rhys Meyers also has this effect on me. It astounds me how these actors have the skill (if sober) to pull off a believable American accent. Don't do that. Then you just become, well... American.

I also like a nice Italian accent. Hell, even if you are speaking out and out Italian and I understand none of it, bring it. You could be cursing at me and calling me "fat pig dancer" for all I care. I will smile and swoon. And this goes for men and women alike. French is decent enough, though the smooshing of the lips into the little over-articulated "O" sometimes can come across as aloof. I suppose this position was created to hold the hand-rolled cigs you all smoke while you parlez Francais. The speed in which you can maneuver your tongue to speak is astounding. I have a vaguely mediocre idea of what you are saying but if it's too fast I am lost. And then I tend to order massive quantities of food in your quaint bistros because I have no idea how fucking huge your "pizza en alsace" really is. If you know me and recall from my trip to Strasbourg last year, I do not like being made an ass of in a foreign country. I was at the supreme disadvantage with not knowing a snappy comeback in French. Merde....

I really, REALLY dislike Southern accents. Sorry, folks, it's true. There's just something twangy and unpleasant about it all. Maybe is stems from my strong dislike of country music. I think many Southern accents sound less educated and frankly, stupid as a bag of rocks. (Not ALL Southern accents. Please don't bombard me with a shitstorm of scholars from Alabama who teach calculus...) And I suppose also that inappropriate use of the English language I so often hear accompanied by that drawl makes me cringe even more. I see a nice assortment of redneck Southern-twangers who operate the carnival rides at the parking lots across the Mid-West throughout summer. Nothing says "Uncle Dad" like a good ol' boy's Southern accent and 6 teeth.

I suppose I even have a bit of an accent after living in or near Chicago for the past 13 years. I notice words my family and friends from Michigan say sound a tad different. That's cool, I guess. Maybe I should embrace our differences. I think I will be more likely to embrace them if they sound like Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery and not Billy Ray Cyrus. Sorry, Miley, you talk like a redneck, albeit a rich-as-shit redneck...