Today is November 8th. Though Thanksgiving is at least a few weeks away it is obviously time to start your holiday shopping. We went to the mall today to "get some ideas" for Christmas gifts for the family. And so did every other person in the surrounding suburbs. It was as crowded as Black Friday. And boy were the dregs of society swinging their wallets in full force today. It was frightening.
There should be a traffic patterns painted on the floor of the mall. People walk like total jackasses when they are shopping. I am guessing no one really knew what the fuck they wanted, hence the spastic meandering. Like herds of cattle on Ecstasy who just broke loose from their pen. Pick a direction and go with it. And stop running over my foot with your 18-wheeler stroller you are letting your 3 year-old steer because you are trying to text, order a bagel dog from Auntie Annies, and flirt with your baby daddy all at the same time. Really? Keep your legs closed for a few years and get your diploma. Your mom is sick of doing your laundry (and your boyfriend and your 2 babies..).
Who ever told the male species it is okay to wear skinny jeans? Are you Sid Vicious? Are you Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith? Oh no, I think you are some underweight kid who thinks he is avante garde with that look. Sorry, dude, it's not workin' for you. Your jeans are so tights I am pretty sure you have to rip them off with a utility knife to take a piss. Hey, aren't you the guy who almost porked his chubster girlfriend next to me during Madagascar last night?
I am going to probably get ticketed or even arrested soon enough as I continue to shop for Christmas presents. Why you ask? Because I want to pummel all those seasonal retail whores who push their wares from the kiosks positioned every 10 feet. God damn it. I do not need Pro-Active for my boils. I do not need a thermal neck wrap with a sassy tie-dyed cover hand painted in Guatemala and filled with pinto beans. I do not need your cell phone service. And a big UP YOURS to you for treating me like I'm a giant ignoramous as a woman. Fuck you and your unlimited minutes. I don't need a set of non-stick skillets, a nail buffing system, a windshield defogging buffer, a Sham Wow bathrobe, eyebrow threading, faux hair ponytails, a steam hair straightener that could make Oprah's pubes silky smooth, or a fake Louis Vuitton purse that doesn't fool anyone with the initials "LX" all over it. I despise you, kiosk crack pushers. Quit assaulting me every time I make eye contact.
The food court was a science experiment in itself. There were many people who would have coated themselves in a thick layer of Easy Cheese if given the option. The dude in front of us asked for double meat on his trough of sesame beef. How about double veggies, Porky? Maybe a few laps around the mall while you wait. Christ it was like these folks hadn't eaten in weeks, when we all know they had eaten before they came but 3 7-layer burritos, a Big Mac, and a Blizzard just sounded like a good little snack in between all that shopping. Be careful when you sit on Santa's lap. He has 47 days left till Christmas and that double meat you snarfed isn't doing his arthritis any favors. How bad would you feel if you broke Santa's leg because of your gluttony?? Christmas wrecker...
Maybe I will finish my shopping online this year.
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