Tradition

Christmas time is overflowing with family traditions. Here are a few of mine which will surely take place within the new few weeks in my house....
#1.) Making a gingerbread house... Sultan has (foolishly) challenged me this year. Sophie is on Team Daddy and Isabella is on Team Mommy. They like to talk smack but we all know who the real deal is around here. He may be the master when it comes to meat but he is way out of his league. Grandma and Grandpa get to do a blind vote. Like they won't know mine is the perect one and theirs is jacked up with toothpicks 'cause they can't make it stay together? I hope Sophie doesn't cry too much when I call her a loser for a week.

#2.) Watching my husband make a delicious, extravagant turkey dinner straight from the pages of Williams-Sonoma magazine. It has become his claim to fame. He is also quite proficient at dirtying every single pan we have in our house, even the ones we store in the basement. He is like an Iron Chef on Food TV who has sous chefs prepping every ingredient in tiny little dishes. But Sultan does not have a sous chef. I think I might have to hide Pierre's water dish or he will throw some chopped parsnips in there out of habit. If you get a 3-inch white hair in your veggies it's not a granny pubes, it's just from Pierre's ass hair.

#3.) Falling asleep at random moments. Some of this can be blamed on alcohol. A little hot boozy cider early in the afternoon, maybe some Scotch on the rocks before dinner, some wine with dinner. This is a recipe for snoring by 7pm for Grandpa. I might snooze for 1/2 an hour before getting my 2nd wind, drooling on the sofa pillows. Uncle Andy might have a little help from Grandma Xanax if the stress level hits him just right (then he will drool and possible piss himself on my couch. We just draw a Hitler mustache on him and didos up and down his arms. It's always Keisha's idea..) Isabella won the prize last year for Best Random Sleep. She fell asleep clinging to a new toy, face-down in Pierre's dog bed.

#4.) Having random mood swings, outbursts, temper tantrums, retreating, and silent shit fits. Okay, I might be guilty of ALL of this drama in one day. If you knew me as a teenager you know what I mean. Spending large quantities of time in close quarters with family members brings out the worst in us sometimes. I will go off and nap or read and not talk to anyone. Okay, I might sulk a bit, too. Sue me. The kids get restless, beat the shit out of each other, cry, build a snow fort, have some hot chocolate, punch each other, make Grandma do 100 crafts projects, scream "cry baby", "meanest sister EVER", and "I hate you" then end up being best friends. My brother hates the family drama and has no problem letting us all know. Thanksgiving was a fucking PARTY with all the moody drama, yelling, accusations, crying, and stomping around. It was The Young and The Restless starring the Seymours and the Ghahtanis. I think we need to revisit #3 and all get toasty drunk so we can deal. I am starting right now. Where's that Malibu rum?..

#5.) Snacking every time you pass through the kitchen. In my house during Christmastime there is always a supply of assorted nuts, fudge, overflowing tins of cookies, crackers, cheeses, chips, dips, chains, and whips. Okay, I'm kidding about the last two. I don't keep that stuff in my kitchen. We are like wandering cattle, grazing constantly because there is just so much there. Are we really hungry? Did we just not eat a meal 45 minutes ago? That's okay, that's what the holidays are all about--senseless eating and elastic waist pants.

#6.) Frantic, "Holy-fucking-shit-I-can't-believe-there-are-more-presents-to-still-wrap-and-it's-1:30-in-the-God-damn-morning" gift wrapping sessions. I found 5 or 6 presents I never bothered to wrap last year because I bought so many. Total gluttony, I know. I am vowing this year to wrap as I shop. It sucks but will be 100 times less painless than having to do it all after the kids go to bed Christmas Eve. Sultan likes to pretend he's soooooo busy with his feast that, oh crap, Molly's presents aren't wrapped!! An every year my mom takes the bait, smelling that turkey brine, and wrapping my gifts for my husband. Sucker. Don't fall for it this year, Mom. He's working you like a 5 year-old in a sweat shop. Give him a wad of gifts bags and adhesive tags and it will be all good.

#7.) Nostalgic holiday film watching. Grandpa loves It's a Wonderful Life and cries like a little girl every time. I favor A Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation and will quote lines repeatedly till someone punches me or takes me down in a wrestling match. Shitter's full!!!

#8.) Reindeer food. The girls make baggies of oatmeal mixed with either glitter or colored sugar. I do not know any reindeer personally. If I was a reindeer I would probably prefer and apple or a big carrot instead of a bag of craft glitter and raw oats. I might even take a dump on your roof if you offered me that shit. How about a couple of Mint Milanos thrown my way if I can wrestle them out of the greasy palms of that fat bastard in the red suit?

#9.) Spending 5 plus hours unwrapping presents. We like to open things one at a time here. That way we all get the "ooh and aahh" moments. With me, Sultan, the kids, Grandma, Grandpa, and probably Andy and Keisha is makes for a lengthy morning. We take bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, snack breaks, mental "get me the hell outta here" breaks. Every single year my mom tries to tell us, "Let's keep it down to a dull roar, guys. Don't go crazy on gifts." And every year by 11:45am, after we've been at it since 7, we know Mom's wishes are in vain again.

#10.) Going to church. We head to the 4 o'clock children's mass at my church. Technically there are a lot of kids there (many of them throwing screaming fits and sitting right behind me. Oh joy.). But does that mean they will let us out early and take mercy on us for bringing our own whiney shorties? Nope. We sing no less than 3 carols in between each reading, prayers, kneeling, standing, and sitting. If you are Catholic you know how much of a workout mass can be. Between "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" extended re-mixes and the aerobic endurance portion of speed kneeling, I think I'll burn about 500 calories Christmas Eve. Better wear my heart rate monitor. And I'd also like to replenish my lost fluids with some Irish coffee.

Tis the season for family love, laughs, and a shitload of drama!!!!!