Hell

In my version of Hell there will be a swimming pool-sized basket of white laundry and I will have to sort socks 14 hours a day. In the whole basket there will only be two matched pairs of socks.

There will be fun house mirrors and visions of my daughters bickering and whining and poking each other. Screaming, crying, and shrieking will fill my ears but since it is all about optical illusion, I will never be able to grab one of them to pinch them on the back of their arm or swat them on the back of the head. And my mouth will be duct taped shut so I can say nothing. (In real life no one listens to me so why should Hell be any different?)

I will keep running into people who talk my ear off about inane bullshit. No matter how much I try to break away from the conversation I will be stuck in a circle of shitty chatter for hours. There is a fork just outside of my reach so I can't even stab myself in the jugular to put me out of my misery.

All there is to eat is raw tomatoes and McDonald's Happy Meals. I just LOVE the mucus-filled little vessels that slime up my salad so why wouldn't I want to eat a WHOLE BUNCH of them?! And Mickey D's is the LAST choice for me on the drive-through dinner circuit. Those nuggets are grease bombs. I get diarrhea just thinking of them. The burgers are probably made from ground cow labias. Do cows even HAVE labias?....

There will always be 75 messages filling my voice mail that I can never seem to catch up on. I delete them all but it fills up as fast as I listen to them. I hate voice mail. You know I will probably not call you back because I suck at that. But you still keep calling and leaving me messages because, that's right, I am in HELL!

I will be so constipated it will look like I am six months pregnant. Oddly the tomatoes I am eating are not helping. They've got my colon on lockdown like God damn San Quentin penitentiary. It's as if I'm eating cheddar cheese like a Snicker's bar. My kingdom for a DEUCE!

There will be no coffee, only herbal tea. It will be served by annoying vegan, La Leche League members who don't believe in shaving or caffeine. But their 8 year-olds sucking on their tits and asking for a Mint Milano while they get a swig of their "jug juice" as they text on their Iphone are normal. And so is having a poonani that looks like Chewbacca's bastard love child.

I will be confined to a 5 foot-square area of carpet surrounded by 12 acres of rolling grass meadows. There are 82 dogs and they all come and take shits and piss breaks on MY carpet. I am only given 2 paper towels and some Windex to clean it up.

I will be required to choreograph a 75-minute dance performance to the blaring sound from the tornado siren. For 40 5-year-olds who have all eaten Pixie Sticks, Mountain Dew, and Twinkies.

I will have to work for my old Neiman Marcus boss, Paulette, who gets to flog me with a pricing gun and tell me how much I suck because my family isn't Jewish and I wasn't born on the Gold Coast. Her fuckwad dog, Armani, will be shitting on my carpet square while she beats me.

Don't know where that shit came from. I'm actually having a decent day. But hey, it's fucking FUNNY, so enjoy....