I Am a Pissy Bitch

I am living vicariously through Christina Aguilara's song lyrics today...
"Some days I'm a super bitch.."
Today sucks my ass. Wanna know why?
My kids are bickering. I want to throttle them and cannot wait till they leave for school.

Isabella turned into a tantrum-throwing 2 year-old when getting dressed this morning complete with stomping and banging her head on the ground. Seriously?! I am over this bullshit with her.

I cannot find five fucking minutes to put together a God damn email list for my friend. Why is there so much on my plate all the time?!!!

I am sick of begging people for donations for this walk. I need to raise $1800 and it is seeming to be impossible to get there.
(This is not a guilt-you-into-donating plug in my rant, just me bitching. But if you feel so inclined then please donate. Or I will bug you again with more emails about it.)

I haven't talked to several of my friends in a very long time but I seriously cannot find the time or I am dead-ass tired when I have five minutes at 10:45 at night. I know some of you hate me, have written me off, or think "Molly WHO?"

This weather makes me sad because I am sick of this fucking cold and rain and yuck. Fuck you, mid-West, and your crappy-ass weather. I hate you.

I have not finished choreography for the ballet classes I teach on Thursday and it is causing me more stress than joy. This is the potential career change I am considering. But then I'd have less to bitch about on my blog without little naughty hellions in leotards sabotaging my ballet Tumbling classes.

I am constipated, pre-menstrual, have a raging migraine, and want to chuck my cat out the window every night at about 3 a.m. because he decides this is prime time to paw at an paper he can find. He would make a lovely stole on my orange wool coat.

There are no less than 5 pieces of half-emptied luggage in my bedroom, the kids', and the guest room. Oh and don't forget the living room. Damn, it looks like United Airlines threw up at my house.

Laundry is multiplying like rabbits screwing under my deck and somehow each load NEVER comes out with actual pairs of socks. Because why in the hell would I want two of the same sock to wear?... Because I am not a pirate with a wooden spindle for a leg, that's why!!!

Serenity now, serenity now....
Okay, Molly, the GOOD news.
I have new baby twin nephews who made their arrival a bit early. They are in excellent care though their tiny bodies are fragile.
My sister-in-law is as beautiful as ever in her post-delivery state. If she wasn't so nice and gorgeous I would hate her for that. (If she springs back into her fabulous Eva Longoria-Parker physique in the next three weeks I WILL hate her though....)

I have healthy kids who are physically able to drive me crazy, chase me, make me scream, laugh when I tickle them, and fart in my car. I sometimes will even wipe their asses if I'm feeling especially motherly and generous. (Not often though..)

I still love my new leather couches. They are delicious and cool when I need to lay my pounding head down upon them.

I got to meet my father-in-law today. I have been quite charmed by my mother-in-law who has been here with my sister-in-law since the beginning of March. I nervously anticipated this day. In all honesty I never thought this day would come. I was surprised at how well his English is, how funny he is, and how animated he is when he tells stories. I think this day is the beginning of a completely new chapter in our lives. Family and forgiveness are wonderful things. Koom-ba-yah.

This is vain as shit but I am still tan from my vacation. It at least reminds me there are warm, pleasant climates somewhere out there. I love having tan hands and feet. Jesus Christ I sound like Lindsay Lohan. But I don't have a tan line from my electronic ankle tether.

I just saw the new Burger King commercial with the "I Like Square Butts" song and it made me laugh. Really hard. Laughing is the shiz-nit, yo'.

I am going to sign up for another writing class and an improv class. There is some unknown destiny for me involving comedy writing but I don't know what it is but it will make me happy. Yes I read "The Secret". And no, I am not smoking weed right now.

I am listening to an MTV Road Rules/Real World Duel show right now and it makes me quite happy I have released myself from the grips of those shows. I was addicted to Real World for a long, long, (embarrassingly) long time. I stopped and asked myself if I was that much of an asshole when I was 21? Perhaps. But I am no longer an asshole who enjoys drunken drama. I can be a big bitch and I love alcohol but both in moderation, people.

My dog is really fucking cute. He might lick a lot and jump on you when he first sees you but he will charm the shit out of you with those eyes and big ears. And if he decides to poop on my floor his turds are small and dry. Small turds win over giant dookies any day.

So maybe life's not SO bad. At least I'm TAN and constipated. I doubt my kids will wipe MY ass though. Someday, my little ones, someday....