Raven Symone, the cute actress who was on the Cosby show in the 1980's, has a 3-page spread in People Magazine all about how she shed 70 pounds. Amidst the pages also is a photo of on-again off-again svelte Kirstie Alley. That bitch has gained and lost more weight than a birthing barn at a dairy farm. Carrie Fisher is going commercials for Jenny Craig and has lost 30 pounds "but is not done yet". She talks like she may have also had her jaws wired shut or maybe has gotten TMJ from too many BJ's. It always makes me laugh when I read how these celebrities lost all the weight. Personal training. I believe that--money will buy good training and these Hollywood trainers will beat the shit out of them for a small fortune. These assholes who are a size 0 and claim the "only workouts they do are when they hike with their dogs for a few miles or try surfing or mountain biking" are trying to make their eating disorders and/or obsessive 5 hours-a-day fitness regime seem normal. You don't get to be a size 0 by walking your fucking dog. I call bullshit. Then I call your cocaine dealer.
It's not that following a restricted diet of high protein, high veggie, low carb is not feasible. It's just that most of these over-indulged celebrities are way too fucking lazy to ever make this happen. So when they have quit the coke and pills and boozing and gain 25 pounds, their agents freak their shit out. They hire a Nazi nutritionist to watch their every calorie that touches their lips. Skinny to fat makes for bad publicity. Unless you go back to skinny. And tout your diet and trainer and new skinny version of some bullshit cocktail that tastes like diet sphincter (as opposed to regular?...). In which case you are now GOLDEN. I look at Kelly Osbourne, Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli, so many famous people. They were has-beens---washed up in acting, been there/done that with drugs and reality shows, slain for the extra flabbage they carry in their mid-section and thighs, forgotten by the press. The along comes Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers or one of 795 Hollywood trainers to personally endorse these stars if they sign a contract to commit to dropping 25-50 pounds. Shit, if I had to sign that kind of contract to have someone hold my hand through revamping my eating and exercise habits I would put my face on the side of Depends, Shape-Ups, Shamwows, anal boil cream, and even the Magic Meatloaf Maker.
I always read the new and improved lifestyle section of these magical makeovers with a grain of salt, and maybe some tequila. It doesn't take much to slide back into curly fries/venti Frappuccino with extra whip land. So when they willingly reveal their healthy eating habits but then are photographed in public driving from In and Out Burger with a triple bacon stack and a chocolate shake, it doesn't make me actually buy what they're selling. Don't sit there and give me these absolutes about how you "love to guzzle gallons of water with a few wedges of lemon and lime all day" and your new "treat" of frozen grapes has completely eliminated your sweet tooth cravings for Snickers bars, well you are as big and fat of a liar as you were 54 pounds ago. Don't bullshit a bullshitter. I struggle, who the hell doesn't?? I have good days where I eat salmon and asparagus and drink water and workout like a fiend. But I have days when I sit on my ass, watch ridiculous amounts of Toddlers and Tiaras marathons and eat ice cream straight from the tub. So I say fuck you to your ridiculous diet overhaul you follow meticulously which has unlocked your true skinny self. Watch yourself. It isn't that hard to tumble off that wagon once a fatter to skinnier celebrity gets the new Jenny contract. Next thing you know you're motor-boating a combo plate of potato salad, biscuits and gravy, and a Flintstone turkey leg. You can bet TMZ will put you back on the top of their list of "most paparazzi-worthy celebs" again. But instead of a bikini you will be wearing a gravy-stained Spanx unitard. Whoops, guess that 6 ounce grilled chicken salad wasn't QUITE enough to satisfy you all week, huh?
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