John Tesh Has a Vag

I loathe the sound of John Tesh's voice more than getting my period for 5 consecutive weeks in a row. It's sappy sweet, under-caffeinated, over Born Again Christian-ized tone makes me gag a little bit. I know he has made music in some capacity. Praise God for not ever making me have to hear it. I think it would give Christians a bad name.

He has a nightly (I think because it's not like I sit in my car for fucking hours each night) radio show in which he gives sensible advice for household issues, relationships, and even health problems. Gee willikers, what a mother fuckin' nice guy! It's called "Intelligence for Your Life". I am officially going to rename it "I Have a Big Hairy Pussy So I'm Going to Talk to You Like One". The other night he was telling listeners, of which I happened to be trapped as one, how to read cues from your wife or girlfriend as to her moods. Hah! This should be good...

#1) If you want to approach a sticky or stressful subject, how can you tell if it's a good time to talk about it? John Tesh says you can check the speed at which her diaphragm is pulsing. This indicates the speed of her breathing. If it is slow and steady, she is calm and it's okay to talk about that tough subject. If it is rapid and shallow, back the fuck off. She will never suck your dick again if you interrupt Desperate Housewives with this bullshit. Unless it has to do with how you will finance that 3 carat rock she wants.
#2) How can I make my wife wake up in a pleasant mood? John Tesh says to make her breakfast. Her olfactory senses are at their peak early in the day. Banana nut bread is especially scent-worthy of a happy awakening. Or you could be gone from the house and have her wake up with your Amex Gold card or a wad of $100's on the pillow. Leave a venti latte on the dresser and don't even fucking THINK of asking for morning pussy. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
#3) Why are my wife's hands always colder than mine? John Tesh says a woman's core is warmer than a man's. Men always have warmer hands than a woman. Give her a gentle hug, this will stimulate her core warmth which will radiate to her hands. Rubbing her hands could hurt them. All this rubbing is definitely going to produce some boner action here. I say pour her a big ass glass of Cabernet and give her a Tiffany's catalog. She'll warm up just fine and you can go rub your cock by yourself with your new Maxim mag.
#4) If I am frustrated, how can I let her know without starting a fight? John Tesh says it's all in your tone. If you begin the conversation with a loud, angry voice, you will elicit the same response. If your are calm and to the point, your mate will listen and be open to hearing what you have to say. Or you could just shut your fucking pie-hole because you are probably wrong anyways.
I think John Tesh is a giant bag of douche. His hair looks like a remnant of shag carpet that's been melted with a flat iron. I don't know if he's still married to Connie Seleca but I'm sure he talks during sex which would make me want to stab him in his giant, Frankenstein neck. Then again, maybe this holy roller persona is just for show. Maybe he's into gag balls and nipple clamps. Or maybe he actually IS Connie Seleca and that would itself explain the whole pussy thing.