Scooter Nation

I have nothing against fat people, really I don't. I also have nothing against the elderly. Or people with disabilities. See I just returned from the Mecca of all family fun parks. Disneyworld. And in this wonderland of Mickey and Minnie souvenir hell I witnessed all three of the aforementioned categories of park-goers plopped down on motorized scooters to transport themselves around the park.

87 year-old grandma with arthritis and a heart condition--you are approved to ride your Rascal and the masses of tourists shall part like the Red Sea when you notify us with your polite "beep beep" of your horn.

Little Johnny who is missing a leg thanks to a tragic windmill accident at the Tulip Festival in Holland Michigan--you are cordially invited to ride your remote-control wheelchair right up to the front of the line of "It's a Small World" .

49 year-old Betty Sue from Kenosha, Wisconsin, whose only ailment is weighing 379 pounds and having a penchant for chili dogs and waffle fries--you need to pick your gelatinous ass up, tell your 3 grandchildren who are riding your scooter like it's Space Mountain to get off Fatty Grandma Mountain, and maybe WALK a little bit. I will not be stepping aside when you beep your porky mobile horn because I am standing precariously close to the line for funnel cakes with hot fudge and ice cream. Screw you, you are not disabled, handicapped, gimpy, elderly, paralyzed, or retarded. You are fat and lazy. Get up and burn some calories and quit taking up the walkways with your foolishness.

If so many people insist on renting these asshole scooters because they couldn't possibly walk like the rest of us, maybe we should instill National Disney Scooter Day. The only pre-requisite is that you are NOT disabled or elderly. Just lazy. So you can have a race for fatty fast passes to Pirates of the Caribbean or Space Mountain. You will annoy each other with your competitive 7 miles-per hour speed and beeping of your horns while you sweat on those vinyl double-wide seats awaiting your 2300-calorie turkey leg. Have fun. I will be trekking to the Magic Kingdom on "Holy Shit, God Gave Me Two Legs That Actually WORK!" Day.