Genius!!

I would like to give a few shout-outs to some people who have affected me mentally or physically in the past week. Here goes....

To the very dark-skinned black man who was wearing a black velour track suit, walking IN THE STREET, in the oncoming traffic lane, I thank you for making my heart nearly explode as I almost pummeled you with my Jeep. You would have been velvety roadkill, like a skunk without the stink, had I not swerved to avoid your ignorant ass. Did you think you were getting better traction on the street versus the GOD DAMNED SIDEWALK which was two feet away at 9:30pm?!! Genius....

To the fat-assed fellows who organized the bike ride I did last weekend who were too large to ride themselves, thank you for not marking the resting points for shit. There is nothing that keeps your motivation going on your first "century ride" than when you pass by a stop to replenish and ride for 40 plus miles like a douche bag. Who needs food and water anyways? I really WANTED to stop and drink from a farmer's hose had my friends not come upon me at a stop sign. I would have enjoyed your luscious fruit assortments, Gatorade, Port-A-Johns, and trail mix that you were probably snarfing down. Next time buy another can of spray paint and slap a few more arrows down on the road, Porky Pig...

To the asphalt company who took a long-ass time to resurface the gym parking lot, thank you for being so disorganized and lazy. I watched you stand around as more than half the lot was blocked off, causing gym patrons to park on the damn grass, in the hotel lot across the street, or just fucking walk from home. You didn't figure out how exactly you would paint your smelly hot mess onto the asphalt until about 2pm, when I was trying to lie poolside. That smell is so intoxicating, like manure on a hot day. Mmmmm, delicious.

To my dog, Pierre, who keeps pissing on my carpet. Hey, you missed a few spots! Seriously, if you pee in about 3 more square feet my carpet will be an entirely different color. Is the grass too scratchy for your diva ass? Does your wee wee not LIKE the temperature of the outside elements? Do you have some fetish for seeing me curse and get down on all fours to clean up your mess? Freak. Stop pissing or I will give you a puppy perm and make you wear miniature thong leotards and take doggie kickboxing. Who's the bitch now, huh???

To Walgreen's, who faithfully fills my family's many prescriptions. Thank you for also faithfully being sold out of every size of skim milk every damn time I go. Aren't you considered a "convenience store"? Well it is highly INCONVENIENT for me to not have the milk I like on my Kashi Autumn Harvest cereal I eat every damn morning for as long as I can recall. Do you have a sale on skim milk when you see my Jeep turning into your lot? Do you hide it? Who the fuck needs ten different sizes of whole milk anyways? Stock up, bitches, Momma's thirsty.