I have officially transcended from thinking Ikea is hip and trendy to noting everything there is truly disposable. OF COURSE you will be charging me 10 cents per plastic bag in order to reduce waste for the environment. All your plywood bullshit furniture is loading landfills as we speak. Just like Evian water spells "naive" backwards, we are getting fucked, Swedish-style, with Ikea's crap.
Once you wander into an Ikea store, you are in awe of all the bright colors, bizarre shapes, and funky combinations of furniture they slap together in floor displays. How could you ever have survived till now without a glocken-schtoopen couch and ocksen-yooperswag area rug!!!! I think they pump some funky shit in the air to make you HAVE to buy oodles of crap before you leave the big yellow and blue doors.
Today I spent 35 minutes disassembling a medium-sized metal frame to simply place a colorful poster inside and try to hang on Sophie's wall. Have you seen the asswipe directions they include with their shit? It might as well be written in Chinese jive. I don't get it. There is a cartoon fat man with a screwdriver which resembles a narrow, pointy dildo. There is a rudimentary diagram of how to assemble your masterpiece drawn by someone having a grand mal seizure. Good luck, folks! You're in for a treat!! It's a bitch to unscrew the pieces which need to come a part, even worse to screw them back into place. Then when you get the whole fucker together you realize you did it wrong and have to start over. You know how well I deal with stress like this. How do you say "mother fucker" in Swedish?
I encountered similar frustration upon trying to move Sophie's "Hemnes" dresser. Now Ikea sells many versions of "Hemnes" furniture for your bedroom. Clearly you will be getting screwed when you buy it so it only stands to reason. When painting a room full of Ikea furniture, you do not have the option of removing it to gain space. When carried past the threshold of a different room, Ikea furniture disintegrates quicker than Kim Kardashian's moral values when a video camera is present. So I had not choice but to shift the bed, dresser, and nightstand around to give me room for my ladder. The painting went off without a hitch, albeit several globs of paint dripped onto the carpet. Nothing an Ikea fake bearskin rug can't cover! I believe it's called a Juurgen-Muffin.... I shoved the "Hemnes" dresser back into place and noticed the drawers seemed askew. By about an inch and a half. Well fuck me gently with Swedish meatball spoon. This bastard-wipe, which cost close to $300, now has jacked up drawers. It looks like I picked this piece of crap up from a Salvation Army bargain sale. I think I need to unload the clothes, turn the fucker on its side, and gently hammer the living shit out of it to get the pegs jointed back into place. I look forward to this like I would shitting a watermelon.
Do not attempt to move your Ikea furniture. I killed a coffee table by merely vacuuming. I guess people in Sweden only sweep, not vacuum, or maybe they would have figured this slight glitch out already. I suppose it would only be logical to assume a $200 coffee table made of plywood, glue (probably made with goat jiz), and 349 small wooden pegs could not sustain a 1 foot horizontal shift across my area rug. But I am not logical. And I don't speak Swedish. Ikea means "Screw you, dumb consumer sucker!", that's all I have figured out so far. And I didn't even need an instruction sheet for it.
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