Top this one...

There is some pretty nasty shit that can happen to you and completely ruin an experience. My friend, Gigi, once found a cockroach in a breakfast burrito from a pretty infamous Chicago restaurant. (If you know Gigi you will understand the total irony because she is a tad germaphobic. I think they don't even sell Purell gel in big enough containers for her at Costco, she has to go industrial size right from the company.) Suffice to say she has spread the word of their sanitary habits to friends and family.

Finding anything in your food, whether it is a staple or a bug or a toenail, is enough to turn your stomach. It reminds me of when I see a man wearing a thong. Yes, I have actually witnessed it. It was like Borat, all florescent yellow Spandex up the saggy ass, pasty white cheeks flailing about in the wind like two discarded Swedish pancakes from the IKEA cafeteria. You are compelled to stare. As hard as you try to look away and as much as it makes you vomit a bit on your mouth, it is strangely mesmerizing. Gross..

Another gross thing that happens from time to time is when you are wearing lip gloss and shit sticks to your mouth like fly paper. if you are going really fast on your bike and happen to puff through a cloud of teensy flies, they pepper your lips like confetti. And it's not like you can wipe them off because your hands are clinging for dear life to those handlebars. Hey, I watched Survivor, bugs have some protein, right? Sorry, Gigi, I had no choice...

I will preface the remainder of my experience with a short story. When Sultan and I were in Paris last year, we had great fun watching all the international television in our hotel room before bed at night. There was some bizarre shit going on, most of which without subtitles so we couldn't even guess what they were saying. Sultan found an old Russ Meyer (a.k.a. The Breastman) movie playing. It was classic cheesy 70's porn. The women all had giant, floppy boobs and their boy toys were young, probably gay, men with uber-short shorts and tube socks. This particular seductress had, aside from her big ol' ta-tas, an enormous afro. The panned the camera down and her bush was just as grandiose, like a freshly shorn boxwood bush trimmed for the cover of Martha Stewart Magazine. The crazy hooch was actually fluffing out her pube fro with a pick. She'd alternate between her hair and her pussy pouf. Classic. Attention to detail is what made this movie stellar... But back to my story. I am pretty sure that actress was at my very pool, maybe even picking her pubic fro poolside.
The nastiest of nasties happened today. It was an innocent enough day at our pool. The kids played in the water while I watched them, catching some rays from my chair. A slight breeze blew as I reclined languidly on my lounge chair. I had freshly applied gloss on my pout when some particle blew onto my bottom lip, sticking quickly. I honestly thought it was one of those tiny flies, because it felt lifelike and about that size. Upon fishing off the offending particle I was aghast. We are talking a 2-inch BLACK PUBE. ON MY FUCKING LIP. Pardon me, but don't must of us ladies keep any pubes we may have INSIDE the bathing suit trunks, thank you very much? And if your bush has hair that long, shame on you. Obviously you don't have a husband who likes to go "downtown" and I don't blame him. He would clearly need a machete, flashlight, and a rescue crew to pull him out from your hairy pussy cavern. Trim that shit up, bitch. Clean and short (or bald if you dare) is the trend. This is not a Russ Meyer movie being shot at the Lifetime Pool so kindly tuck that pussy fro back up in there. It's adult swim, not Sasquatch Poonani Swim. I have to go shave my shit right now I am so disgusted....