Mushy

My mind is becoming soft. It has been years since I have sat down to watch morning TV. You know, those bullshit shows that rot your mind yet you can't turn them off. I recall when I had Sophie as a baby and we lived in Chicago. I stayed at home but had not yet been bitten by the workout bug post-partum. I watched Oprah and the View. I chatted on the phone with my mommy group friends ABOUT those shows. I am sitting on my couch, blanket draped over my shoulders, watching the View. I can't stand the hosts and their idiotic banter. Joy Behar's hair looks like orange, bouncy Froot Loops. Whoopi Goldberg is trying to use some sort of Brooklyn schtick accent to sound super-Jewish. Barbara is pumping up her interview with Patrick Swayze (airing Wednesday on ABC...). It is pointless drivel but am I turning it off. Hell to the no!!!!

I am all out of sorts. I am not able to work out (a topic which I am still debating whether or not to blog about..). I don't need to shop since Christmas is all said and done. I am sick of reading books. I don't have any more new magazines. I am trying not to snack because then my ass will become as mushy as my mind. I can't bend over or pick up anything heavy so I can't even put away Christmas stuff. Anyone wanna come help me? Fuck!!! What do I do??? Well, I turn the TV on, that's what I do. I love Food TV Network, TLC, MTV, E! Entertainment TV, HBO, FX, HGTV, Comedy Central, and Animal Planet. I also have an obscene addiction to my Facebook. I check my profile like it's a full-time job.

How do you know when you have been watching far too much television? When you can recite commercials by heart. Willie Mays has tried to sell me Orange Glo and Oxy Clean. I am getting my old gold jewelry together so I can send it in to Cash For Gold. I think I might shit better if I listen to Jamie Lee Curtis and her Activia yogurt ads. Do you want me to sing the Manwich jingle?? It's damn catchy! I can tell you more about erectile dysfunction, bladder control problem, osteoporosis, diabetes, and arthritis medications than a pharmaceutical company. I am wanting to adopt 57 animals thanks to Sarah Maclachlan's heart-wrenching ASPCA ads with her "Angel" song. Damn her and her soulful lyrics!!! I didn't know milk products came from California cows until recently.I even stole the idea for the Mastercard moment commercial with the Kleenex box and paper lunch sack before Sultan's big gift opening. Gee whiz, those Avon ads make it almost seem cool to sell that shit, too! I'm a sucker. A lazy, TV-addicted sucker.

I just switched the channel. Paula Dean is hypnotizing me with a stick of butter. Her sassy Southern accent is so damn charming, don't ya' think? She bats those false eyelashes at you, drops balls of doughy goodness into her built-in countertop deep fryer. Hhhmm, do I need to invest in one of those? That fried calzone looks a hell of a lot more scrumptious than that baked one. Just changed the channel again. Oooh! Keeping up With the Kardashians!!! And it's a MARATHON!! After mere minutes of watching this nonsense I realized a few things. Bruce Jenner is into plastic surgery like I'm into Facebook. His eyelids are so tight I don't think he can blink. All the girls on the show have names starting with "K". Kim, Klohe, and Kourtney all wear this think, Egyptian-esque black eyeliner. They all need to be tossed into a pool because when that crap melts off their face, they might lose their contract to be on E!. That family is a wealthy train wreck of drama. But it's like Us Magazine, it's hard to not at least peek at it.

Hhhmm, not what to do. I made my phone calls. Put my bills in the mail. Write some thank you notes. Grocery shopping is done. I am going to get off my duff and walk away from the TV. That's right, Molly, just WALK AWAY. ..Ohh, it sooo hard!! What might be on TLC next? Little People, Big World? Jon and Kate Plus 8? What about Talk Soup on E!? I think Giada De Laurentis might make some delicious and erotically charged past dish on Food Network!! (If you have seen the cinematography and way she shows her jugs in every shot you know what I mean.) Deep breath. More coffee. Remote in hand, button is OFF. Okay Molly, take a little time to enjoy the VIEW...