Not in MY House!!

I don't know exactly how I end up flipping through the radio stations and repeatedly fall upon John Tesh's "Intelligence for Your Life" show. His nasal voice and enthusiastic, Amway-promoting, "I've-never-even-said-the-word-crap" persona sucks. Sucks like Aretha Franklin's inaugural mega bow hat sucked. But alas, at 6:30 pm, I heard a new tidbit which had me cackling out loud with laughter.

John Tesh regularly promotes certain products which he is obviously gettin' a cut from. A topic he thought was important for us listeners who have nowhere to turn (alright I guess I could have turned him off..) was about making meals fun for your kids. He mentioned a breakfast product called, are you sitting down?..... BATTER BLASTER. It shoots pancake batter from an aerosol can onto your griddle. Because a ladle just isn't violent enough. I need to propel my batter from a nitrous-injected can before it cooks up into a tasty pancake. Now immediately you know what I was thinking. Batter Blaster was obviously John Tesh's stage name from his pre-Christian holy roller, hardcore porn days. Because he obviously has blasted his batter in a few places. Like Connie Seleca's poonani.

I swear to God I am not making this up. I could not spontaneously come up with shit so fucking funny. The video clip shows a 1950's mom who is burned out from the super tedious chore of making pancake batter. Shit! Cracking eggs AND dumping milk and flour in a bowl is so God damn hard. Makes me wanna slit my wrists!!! Fast forward to the future and there is a girl all ofl about 8 years-old jumping up and down, shaking this can of batter vigorously in slooooooowwwwww moooooootion. Then Mom grabs that can and simply "shakes, points, blasts, and cooks"!!! Shake, point, and blast??? Creamy batter is meant to be BLASTED, you know. It astounds me that John Tesh, who really seems like a spiritual, wholesome sort of douche rag, does not see the utter irony in this fucking product!!! Seriously?!! The website goes on to say, "No more splattering ingredients!.. It's organic, easy, and FUN!" Yeah, cuz' you are fucking wanking a can of batter with your family, you God damned perverts!!!! The catchy jingle is the best..." Make breakfast better faster!!! It's Batter Blaster!" The slow-motion hand-washing as Mom strokes the nozzle under the faucet. Is this even about breakfast anymore? You just have to check this shit out for yourself. And please watch the video demo. You will order a box just to show to your friends. I did...
http://www.batterblaster.com