Does anyone remember Jeff Gillooly? I know my best friend, Jamie, does. Jeff Gillooly was Tonya Harding's husband who planned and failed to injure Nancy Kerrigan before the winter Olympics by smashing her knee with a bat. Both were mediocre figure skaters whose greater claim to fame came from this botched incident. With a last name as perfect as Gillooly, this has become a perfect way to describe a jackass or jackass-like behavior which serves no purpose other than to be a blundering foolish dolt. If Jamie or I refer to you as "a total Gillooly" it is not a compliment.
If I held an official awards ceremony, there would be an overflowing jackpot of sources from which to pull nominees. The Hollywood community alone should suffice...
And the Gillooly Award for "Biggest Druggie" goes to....AMY WINEHOUSE. You write a song all about NOT going to rehab, promise your fans and record label you WILL go to rehab, and then get videotaped smoking crack. Bravo to you, my fine lady.
The Gillooly Award for "No Shit, Sherlock?!" goes to......LANCE BASS. Was it really necessary to be on the cover of People magazine, saying "I'm Gay"? Sorry, Mr. Frost and Tip, this was no news flash. We saw you wearing the gay pride flag bedazzled on your bun huggers when you were shoved in the back row for your lack of dancing skills in the "Bye Bye Bye" video.
And the Gillooly Award for "Celebrity Fight We All Could Have Cared Less About" goes to....PARIS HILTON AND NICOLE RITCHIE. And I use the term "celebrity" very loosely here. Your daddy is Lionel Ritchie. Your parents own some hotels. You are both socialite whores who don't wear panties. What is your talent exactly? Getting arrested? Partying? Having no class? Spending other people's money?
And the illustrious Gillooly Award for "Not Knowing When to Call It Quits" goes to.......DONALD TRUMP. The Apprentice was good for a couple of seasons. Do you really remember anyone besides Bill Rancic who won? No you don't. And for this season you chose Omarosa and Gene Simmons? Really? He may have been in KISS but now we will call your show Kiss of Death. Stick to the boobie parade known as Miss Universe, Donald. It's what (and who) you do best.
And the Gillooly Award for "Most Horrible Role Model for the Youth of America" goes to....JAMIE LYNN SPEARS. It was inevitable that the family blood line proved sisters can be two usless peas in a pod. Now the younger one has a bun in the oven. At 16 years-old. Obviously the "101" part of Zoey 101 didn't cover how babies are made.
The Gillooly Award for "Best Impromptu Wasted On-Air Interview" goes to......JOHN STAMOS. Did you see him on the Australian talk show where he was shit-faced and saying inappropriate things to the host? His publicist quickly defended him, after he passed out and was tucked in to bed at his 5-star hotel. He said John had taken an Ambien on the airplane and was really out of it because he was not able to sleep the recommended 8 hours it advises on the bottle. It's kind of hard to sleep, John, when you are pounding gin and tonics like it's your 21st birthday. Why are all these stars blaming their fucked up actions on anti-depressants or sleeping pills? It's okay to hit the sauce, just wait until AFTER you will be videotaped for the world to see.
And the Gillooly Award for "Worst Self-Inflicted Style Makeover" goes to.....(is there really any other option, folks?)...MISS BRITNEY SPEARS. If you are a talented, well-paid actor or actress who must shave their head for a role in a movie, being bald serves a purpose. If you are a has-been, trashy, lip-synching hillbilly from Louisiana and you are freaking out because the train wreck of your life, which is YOUR fault, is making you crazy then shaving your melon will make your shrinking fan base smaller than Mary Kate Olsen's tits. You are like one of those circus freaks everyone can't help but looking at, though it's sad and repulsive. Except with you we don't have to go to the County Fair to check out your daily antics. Paparazzi serves as your pimp, dishing up your insane Taco Bell runs for the border and ever-changing foreign accents. You make us glad we are not you!!!
And the final Gilloooly Award for "Most Over-Hyped Immigrants" goes to......DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM. David, you were a half-ass soccer star in England, more known for your dashing looks than your headers. Victoria, we all know your were the Spice Girl whose microphone never had any batteries in it. Tom and Katie are only friends with you because you have money and Scientology needs more suckers. Poor David, you got injured during your first game here in the States? Looks like L.A. Galaxy team spent a smart $21 million on you! Don't worry, Posh, the microphone will still be turned off for you on the reunion tour. Hopefully your Dolce and Gabbana corset can hold you up , since your enormous lips, cheek bones, and boobs weigh more than the rest of your body which makes you a bit top heavy. Good luck with that. A ZIG-A-ZIG-AAAAAH!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment