Step on a Duck?

So passing gas is just human nature. Everyone does it. And just because you never heard your boss do it in front of you doesn't mean they don't blow heat when you're not standing next to them at work. There is a children's book called "Farley Farts". Next time you get invited to a baby shower where they're starting a library of classics for the little bundle of joy, pop this one in the stack along with "Everyone Poops". A first time mommy will surely thank you.

There is some farting etiquette which is a mere guideline as to where is the optimum location to pass your ass wind. Realistically, these rules cannot always be followed to a "T". Some restraint should at least be exercised unless your bowels are suddenly plagued with food poisoning or dysentery. Then you get a "Fart Wherever the Fuck You Want" card, so to speak.

Good place to fart: At a dance club with hundreds of drunk people all around and deafening music blasting. Who would ever single YOU out?
Bad place to fart: In the bathroom stall at the swanky restaurant your husband's boss took you to for dinner. His wife is in the stall next to you.

Good place to fart: On the Lazy River ride at the water park. Blast a few off as you hit the bubble wave section and no one will be the wiser.
Bad place to fart: Standing in line with your wet bathing suit chafing your ass, waiting to ride the tube slide. Your daughter's ballet teacher is in front of you.

Good place to fart: Wandering the aisles of Borders book store on a really slow night as your kids listen to story hour and you peruse the CD's.
Bad place to fart: Borders book store when it is having a busy night and you don't know if the CD you are listening to is so loud that you just didn't hear your own rip-shits fart or it was deceptively quiet. The gentleman who is running way from you might give you and indication.

Good place to fart: In the privacy of your own car when no one but you will have to sit with your stank ass for at least 15 minutes.
Bad place to fart: Carpooling downtown to the museum with three other moms and kids. You are stuck in traffic and now you made 3 small children vomit into their Happy Meal boxes.

Good place to fart: Closing time at the bar. Everyone is too fucked up to even KNOW who farted. Careful not to shit yourself if you're really in the bag.
Bad place to fart: During a romantic romp under the covers with your honey. Nothing says, "Thanks but I'm suddenly not in the mood." more than a huge air biscuit. Save it till afterwards.

Good place to fart: Kickbox Jam class because the music is so loud and everyone is moving all over the place. Who will have the time to say, "Hold that funky beat! SOMEONE is passing wind in here!! It is throwing off my roundhouse kicks BIG time!"
Really, really bad place to fart: When you are facing a mother of a former ballet student in yoga class and you are holding both of your ankles in the air in a V-sit. There is no music, only the rhythmic breathing of the class and your good vibrations shaking the floor. This is an optimum time to curl up and DIE. She probably won't enroll her daughter in your stinky class next semester.

If you are over the age of 75, pregnant, or really sick and on more drugs than Robert Downey Junior, you may pass gas at will. My grandma sometimes toots in unison with her steps. She is slightly hard of hearing so she probably doesn't even know she's doing it. Can you imagine if you were a deaf vegan? You would have, like, NO friends. With all that fiber and no common sense to know you sound like a tuba, you could frighten small children. I don't know what mutative gene makes me ponder this shit. I was just thinking... I'd better go make sure I know where the book of matches is hiding. I feel a little gas bubble coming on...