Giada DeLaurentis makes eating a bite of rigatoni look like erotic art. It verges on embarrassing how she savors each morsel like it's a new sex toy. It is 40% the cinematography and 60% percent her porno lips and giant jugs spilling from her sweater. I watched an episode where she moaned over her tortellini like it was her wedding night and she discovered her groom was more endowed than Ron Jeremy, minus the super hairy back.
I challenge this pint-size chef to see if she actually ingests all this food or if she yacks it up Paula Abdul-style as soon as the director yells, "Cut!" There is no possible way she keeps those tight abs, perky ass, and fantastic tits (pretty sure they're real) if she really eats all they show her get orgasmic over on her shows. She traveled to Wyoming for her new show and the people sitting two tables away had to light up a smoke after she finished her eggs Benedict bagel.
"Everyday Italian" is a nice show to watch. The way the camera shots linger over her scooping flour from her spotless spoon or how she slides that pristine tray of pine nuts into her oven that is clearly fresh from the Home Depot box with it's glaring stainless steel glory, inspires me to at least think about what to make for dinner. Until they flash her smile, which I'm pretty sure exposes all 32 of her pearly whites every time she merely grins at me. I just don't buy that she actually eats all the pasta in creamy sauces smothered in Parmigiano Reggiano cheese or Nutella-stuffed cookies. She goes down on the shit better than Jenna Jamison circa 1995 so I have no other option than to assume she's into B&P. Binging and purging. Sorry, Giada, maybe you don't use your perfectly manicured nails but that food doesn't stay in your taut belly for long.
If I was a TV chef personality, I would balloon up to the size of Mario Batalli. This is a damn hilarious notion because I would just have to get shit-faced drunk if I somehow ended up on Iron Chef America. What the fuck am I supposed to do with 100 pounds of yams?! I have respect for Mario and Paula Dean and Ina Garten. They are all not merely plump, they are fat because they actually EAT WHAT THEY COOK. And why not? If I was really good at putting savory dishes together you better bet I'd tell Weight Watchers to go to Hell. I'm guessing I might use all my points for a month in a couple bites of Paula Dean's Gooey Butter Bars.
On a related note, don't tell me you have lost 75 pounds on Jenny Craig, Miss Kirstie "The Cow" Ally. You are as fat as you ever were. Anyone can look like a new, thin person when they go from wearing size 20 peasant skirts to three pairs of Spanx, a corset, and a vintage Herve Leger dress. That shit can STRETCH so I will stand back if you pass me on the street. If a stray seam busts lose I will lose a limb from the sheer force of your fat rolls exploding out of that much Spandex. Valerie Bertinelli was a much better choice for Jenny Craig. She at least looks thinner. She's even more of a has-been than Kirstie but she's a skinnier has-been.
You are not fooling me, Giada and Kirstie. I am on to your shit. Kirstie, you ate so many of the hot fudge cakes from Jenny Craig that they had to actually take it OFF the menu. Giada, you get your viewers so hot and bothered from your oral sex on a wooden spoon that you think we don't notice you popping the chocolate Ex-Lax into your Nutella dessert. Nice try. You need to host a special episode of Mucho Bulimioso with all your trade secrets. I will watch and learn, baby.
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