The geniuses who invented Pillsbury products are saviors to us moms in the modern age. When dinner time preparations fall upon me (or "what in the hell can I pull out of my ass that the kids will eat tonight?!") it is reassuring to know that I can pull a tubular can of pressurized dough from my fridge with ease. Do I have time or the inclination to mess with yeast packets, rising dough, or rolling out flaky biscuits that will resemble hockey pucks when they're baked? No, I do not. So Little Mr. Poppin' Fresh Dough Guy lends me a hand and I say to him in his pudgy glory, thank you.
I know some of my hardcore baking mom friends would scoff at me for my lack of kitchen motivation. All I can say to them is while you are slaving away for 6 hours to make your loaf of French bread, I slit my can open (careful to keep it away from your eyes---that shit has more pressure expounded on it's doughy goodness than a pair of size 10 jeans on Kirstie Ally), place the loaf on my baking sheet, and in 18-25 minutes, I have a savory side of bread that my kids devour. Anything my kids will consume willingly that is not coated with sugar or comes in a fruit roll-up shape is all good to me.
The varieties of canned and pre-packaged bakeable items Pillsbury sells astounds me. There are biscuits (large, small, reduced fat), crescent rolls, dinner rolls, pizza dough, pie crust, breadsticks, French bread, cinnamon rolls (regular, orange, reduced fat), and cookie dough in many flavors, sold in a tube or even pre-portioned. And if you've ever been to a Pampered Chef party you know there are at least 101 different things you can make with a tube of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls besides it's namesake. Sheer genius, I tell you.
Now by nature, I do not enjoy cooking. It makes me want to scream, pull my hair out, or punch someone in the balls when I spend an hour preparing a well thought-out, delicious meal, my family inhales it like they're going to the electric chair in 10 minutes, then I have to spend 30 minutes cleaning up again. Screw that bullshit. Any out I can find to make the time I spend shorter in the kitchen works for me. (Although you will find it ironic that I really enjoy watching Food TV Network. They make cooking look so enjoyable and delicious, almost erotic with the way those chefs savor their dishes that never turn out like crap. I guess I keep praying for the motivation to actually give a shit in the kitchen...)
Until they find a way to make pressurized baked chicken with a side of steamed broccoli in a tube, I will settle for my Pillsbury sides of baked goodies. I have no problem decorating those cute little sugar cookies. I just enjoy it that much more when there is no bowl to wash or lick. The faster I can pop those bitches from the oven onto my table, the faster I can get to Giada DeLaurentiis' "Everyday Italian" and her erotic Italian feast that she prepares with ease. Don't hold your breath that I'll ever serve her recipes to you. But I bet you're hungry for Pillsbury pigs in a blanket!!
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