I was born in 1972. The clothing that my mom selected for me included many shades of rust orange, mustard yellow, and avocado green. (Ironically these were my mom's wedding colors, too---yes, it was by choice and no she wasn't drunk.) My brother and I had to match in every damn picture. Were we fraternal twins? No, he was born two years after me. Mom just thought looking like spazzed out matching siblings was endearing. And creepy, just between you and me.
Andy and I wore a Muppets ensemble when I had to be 5 and he was 3. You probably would never imagine they would make a shirt for little boys that was skin-tight, red, white, and blue striped, AND had Kermit the Frog emblazoned on the front. But no brother and sister duo would be ready for the photographer without sis in a matching jumper with Fozzie Bear on it. We were like Donnie and Marie Osmond but we had no talent. And we weren't Mormon.
Check out this picture. I think men's suits only came with the obligatory vest, which everybody wore, back in the day. My dad looks like a pimp in his brown pinstripes. We are trying to resurrect this ensemble for Andy's wedding but I think Keisha might put the kabosh on it. My jumper is woven with some sort of ancient hieroglyphics. I researched the real meaning. It says "Your parents smoked a little weed in the nursery". You don't say.
Everything old is new again. I hate that fucking phrase. Retro 80's was bad. Shit, it still IS bad. Isn't all this crappy plastic jewelry bad for our environment? It will be a cold day in Hell before I don some of the little numbers I wore as a young child. When I see my parents' wedding colors in everything from ponchos to partyware at Target, I know it very well might be the apocalypse. What's next, icky green shag carpeting? Denim leisure suits for men? Bowl cut hairstyles? Not unless they legalize weed.
As the years pass, the more "retro" makes me feel like I am the old mom who is out of touch. I wore the original concert T-shirt from the Go-Go's so why do I feel like a creepy wannabe when I wear the new retro verion from Target? Do these kids even know what Pac Man is? As long as we're "keepin' it real", let's bring back record players and NOT having a cell phone. How great was life before texting and e-mail! Who needs caller ID, just answer the damn phone! Let's make this giant wave of nostalgia come full circle. It won't be so fucking novel, now will it?
Retailers are smart. They only bring back the harmless good shit they know will sell. The ugly colors, the goofy styles, the old ads and TV shows on baby T's. Maybe a few bean bags and a "vintage" poster of Miami Vice. (I remember watching that show when it was really cool. What guy didn't want to be Don Johnson with his black Wayfarer sunglasses, white linen jacket with maxi pad-size shoulder pads and his coral colored T-shirt peeking out underneath?!) If they brought the really bad looks back with the exuberance of the rest of it, this whole trend would be more of a flash-in-the-pan than the mall singer, Tiffany. (There are some of you asking, "Tiffany WHO?") If there is a mad rush on Mossimo three-piece pinstripe suits, don't say I didn't warn you. If you need me I will be hanging out by the rounder of Muppets little boys' leotards.
P.S. My mom didn't want anyone to know she also was barefoot in the photo here. She is adamant about it being artistic, not weed-a-tronic. So I have to wear the rust-colored dyke loafers and she gets bare feet?! Nice.
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