Party at My Place!!

If there is ever a nuclear holocaust or other natural disaster that causes huge portions of society to be stranded without access to grocery stores, I am hereby letting you know my doors, especially those to my pantry, are open. I have a ridiculous amount of food products, much of it non-perishable, weighing down my shelves. People are astounded at the sheer volume of it.

I probably could forgo grocery shopping for 4 or 5 months. I tend to buy things I forget I already own. Does anyone need black beans, dark OR light kidney beans, garbanzo beans, black olives, or Italian green beans? I'm pretty sure I have 6 cans of each. How about couscous, fettuccine noodles, chicken broth, Chicken Noodle-O's soup, or any of the 50 varieties of Emeril's meat marinades? We are not food hoarders, we just think something looks good or it would be nice to have some on hand but neglect to recall we had that exact same though LAST month at the store. God help us if we venture into a Trader Joe's or Whole Foods, the Meccas of exciting food connoisseurs like ourselves. There is such an exciting variety of yummy-ness in there that we need to rent a U-Haul to get home. Pathetic.

I have many friends who are addicted to shopping at Costco. They swear by their prices and giant, bulk quantities. I cannot in good conscience allow myself to join this jumbo shopping club. If we get one more bag of munchies I will no longer be able to see my top of my fridge (okay, I haven't been able to in years..) or counter top. If I got a membership I would have to build a separate wing in my kitchen for 20-gallon jars of olives and giant tubs of Chex Mix. Right now I have two different kinds of tortilla chips, animal crackers, cupcakes, Munchos, Cheetos, 3 different kinds of fruit snacks, pretzel twists, pretzel rods, and Cheez-Its smothering the top of my fridge. You would think I'm either bulimic or weigh 350 lbs., and I assure you I'm neither.

I don't have chubby kids who sit around lazily, playing video games and eating Doritos straight from the bag. They are both active, as are me and my hubby. We don't have binge-o-rama sessions where we sample all of this junk food fanfare. I just like to keep a variety on hand. It's like packing several pairs of shoes for a trip, you never know what mood you will be in so you have to be prepared. If I lusted after chocolate treats during a PMS bitch-fest, God help the asshole who bought only Tostitos and salsa and Wheat Thins. If I return home after an evening of sushi and sake(lots of it..) and need a little hummus and pita bread night cap, don't give me Double Stuffed Oreos and gummy bears. Do you see what I'm getting at here?

In the event that Tom Brokaw comes on the tube and announces, "Well folks, that's it. The shit's hit the fan and life as you know will soon be over. Please head to the Ghahtani family's hizzle so we can nosh like stoners. I heard they finally got a membership to Costco so we should be set to party. I'm out, bitches." Now I've got to Party City to get enough plates for all you hungry pigs.