Poor Mascots

Why do mascots always have to be shamed into wearing a ridiculously large head or goonball smiling mega-mouth or neon tights? We went to Red Robin, one of my kids' favorite restaurants, for dinner the other night. The food was decent, the service was great. But then in wandered Red, as in THE robin, led by a woman who kept the mascot from running into tables, knocking over onion ring towers, because with his giant head he was officially blind. Judging from the size of Red's legs, I'm guessing the masquerading fool is either a young gay teenage boy with a penchant for yellow tights or an anorexic goth chic who is hard up for cash to run the meth lab in her basement. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself with my generalizations here...When I say yellow tights, I am talking about the itchy double-knit kind we sometimes had to wear as kids with our Catholic plaid. Nothing sleek about these puppies, they have little elasticity. And where in Christ's name do you, or WHY would you, choose MUSTARD YELLOW?! Cruel and unusual punishment folks, that's all I'm saying.

Have you ever seen one of those relays races where a bunch of giant-headed mascots run around a football field? It should be called, "I'm a Douche With a Giant Foam Mullet Melon----Let's Race!!" These freaks run around, falling down without their guides to keep them from tripping. It is actually quite a hilarious sight. I get off on seeing other people trip or injure themselves due to personal clumsiness. Will Ferrell does an excellent job at this. I also enjoy vulgar, inappropriate humor. The 15-second belch in the movie, Elf, makes my sides hurt from laughter every time.

My sadness for the mascot reminds me of the Dane Cook bit where he refers to the Kool-Aid man, as a "glass bitch with tights". Again with the damn tights?!! Okay, I admit I enjoy tights. But they are a camouflaging tool, a device used to make the eye of the beholder THINK I might be a size 4. They suck me in in places I need. I wasn't even born a size 4 so I assure you these Spandex puppies are part of my "smoke and mirrors" effect. I kind of doubt that Red, the Robin, enjoys tights, at least not for the reasons I do. I'm guessing his/her favorite part of the costume is the giant foam head. This is the camouflage effect this poor soul needs to remain anonymous. Who would admit to that shit??? "Yeah, Jenny, I totally rock my mustard yellow tights when I go to work!" Hellz-NOOOOO!! Smoke, mirrors, and a seeing eye server to avoid those onion ring towers. THAT is worth minimum wage, my mascot friend in bad tights.