Fuck Winter

I was duped into thinking winter could not possibly have been as bad as 2007/2008. Last year was brutally cold and we had more snow than I've ever seen in my 13 years living in Illinois. I grew up in Southwest Michigan. I know snow. It is only mid-January and we have already had three school cancellations due to wintry weather. Winter can suck my out-of-shape, hasn't-seen-the-sun-in 5 months ass.

My hands are cracked and chapped. My lips are split and I can't find my lip balm. I feel so bad for my little dog because at only 9 pounds, I fear his tiny paws will freeze outside. I will not yell at him if he choose to piss on my floor. I don't really want to even shower tomorrow. My bathroom is colder than a witch's tit. I regret not buying my husband a towel warmer for Christmas. I am wearing two robes and two pairs of socks right now. It is fucking COOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDD.

I have lived in the mid-West my whole life. I am used to the changing seasons. You would think I would have this whole winter thing down by now. Make no mistake, I am so NOT down with winter. We took the kids to Hawaii last year for spring break. It was such perfect weather I felt like I was hallucinating. It rained once for about 10 minutes. It was 82 degrees every single day. When we left Chicago there was a winter storm warning and they got a foot of snow. My girls were crying at the Kauai airport because they did not want to leave. It makes me wonder why I put myself through this sheer hell year after year.

When I was a child I loved winter. Grand Rapids always got a shitload of snow. It seemed like there was never less than a foot on the ground. We had a small hill on the side of our house and the park less than a block away had a kick-ass sledding hill AND a frozen-over tennis court for ice skating. My brother and I spent countless hours outside. We would stay out in the freezing cold until mom had to threaten us to come in. It was often nighttime before we'd succumb to mom's warnings. What kid doesn't love playing in the snow? A runny nose, a little snow in the boots, soaking wet gloves--none of these things seems to bother kids in the least.

As an adult I have long since lost my need to frolic in the powder. I never was into skiing or winter sports growing up. If I was forced to take a wintry vacation to some ski resort town I would be the pain-in-the-ass guest who would sit in the hot tub, hit the spa for massages, and view the mountains from the toasty warm confines INSIDE. With a big, fat Irish coffee in my hands. This cold weather makes me angry. It makes me depressed because doing anything requires more clothing, more energy, more time. In fact, I have less energy. We are sitting here with another snow day. There wasn't any more snow, it's just the coldest fucking day I can remember. I think the wind chill is -40 degrees. We are all still in jammies and robes and fleece socks. I unfortunately have to run out for a doctor appointment later. Do you think I can wear my fleece robe out of the house? Since everyone will be bundled like God damn Eskimos anyways, who would even notice?

We have a spring break trip planned for early April. We will be going to Orlando to do the Disney thing with the kids. I know it will be a fantastic trip. My parents are coming and it will make the trip really special. Trouble is on a day such as today, it is hard to visualize that in my future. This weather is fucking with my head. It is freezing my senses. I cannot even comprehend what it would be like to wear shorts or a swimsuit. I want to close my eyes and wake up on a beach. Please, God? Fine, be that way...

Fuck winter. You useless, depressing, making my PMS even worse than it usually is season. I hate you.