What I Know About Me

On Facebook there has been a little information application going around that basically has you fill out 25 random things about yourself. I think that's an interesting concept so here goes...

1.) I like to eat healthy but I despise preparing food for myself. In fact the exact same ingredients I would choose to put in, say a salad for example, will taste a million times better if someone else makes it for me. I enjoy fruits and vegetables and fish of all sorts. But I will gladly spend $10 on a salad before I come home to assemble it myself. Better yet, I'll have my mom make one. Her salads rock.

2.) Don't ask me to drive for any extended length of time with you. I am an extremely sleepy driver. This happens whether it is 12:30 at night or 10 o'clock AM. I don't know if it's the melodic hum of the tires or the comfort (warmth or coolness, depending on season) that makes me want to snooze. The only thing that makes me alert? Bet you guessed coffee. Wrong. Snacking keeps me alert. I opt for king-size boxes of chewy movie candy. Dots and Jujy Fruits are my personal candies of choice. I figure if I have to choose between snarfing 1000 calories of pure sugar or smashing into the back of a semi and dying, I'll take the Jujy Fruits.

3.) I am terribly nostalgic. This comes as no surprise to most of my family members, especially the Seymour side. Holidays make me nostalgic, seeing my kids pass certain milestones makes me nostalgic, pfefferneuse cookies make me nostalgic. With this personality trait comes the propensity for spontaneous crying jags. I cry when I am nostalgic but I also cry at Pampers commercials, Animal Planet, and sometimes even Survivor. I cried over the blind dude on American Idol tonight.

4.) I am one moody bitch. I've been this way since I was a wee one in cloth diapers. I can turn on a dime. Funny thing is I often know I am being a raging twat but somehow it makes me MORE angry so I cannot snap out of it. Instead it drives me deeper into Bitch-Ass Molly Mode. It's not pretty. Ask my dad about Mother's Day brunch a few years ago.

5.) I am addicted to delicious-smelling body butters. Don't give me that shitty, watery lotion from Jergen's. Might as well be goat jiz. I need thick, emollient, fragrant body butter that has the consistency of Pillsbury frosting. I was so blessed as to actually find a tub one year scented like buttercream frosting. I didn't know if I should slather it on my thighs or lick my forearms like cupcakes. Try it, you'll never go back to Vaseline Intensive CRAP.

6.) I think Facebook is a wonderful thing. I do not think I am too old for it. I have found friends who I've missed for a long time. People have found me that never spoke jack shit to me in high school but want to be my Facebook friends. Fucking ironic but I suppose when you are fat and bald your high school football charm has long since worn off. I think I just might be addicted. Check my profile...

7.) I collect books. I really enjoy reading but I could never possibly keep up with all the books on my shelves. If I read a book by an author I like I tend to buy several by them. I am in two book clubs. I hardly finish the books we are supposed to read because I am usually reading at least two other books at the same time. Guess it's better than being addicted to porno mags.

8.) On that note, I fucking HATE porn. I think it is stupid, vulgar and pointless. It makes me feel insecure to see these perfect (okay, so they're airbrushed) 20-year-old bodies with ginormous titties, no stretch marks, and perfect tight little asses. I know men see no problem with this, well many of them. I guess guys are visual. It is not realistic, boys, because you will never, EVER get pussy that hot in your life. Seeing male porn is fucking retarded to me. It does NOTHING for me. Just venting. Porn makes me pissy.

9.) I think Paris is a wonderful, beautiful, and romantic city. It is my favorite place in the world thus far. I've only been twice but it was the gateway to my passion to travel. Seeing the Eiffel Tower twinkling at night on my 35th birthday was one of the best memories of my life.

10.) I think plastic surgery is totally acceptable. I think if you want to better yourself, not drastically alter your appearance, you have every right. Because when you feel great about yourself you are a hell of a lot easier to be around. If you have the means and the will, go for it. And don't judge those who do it. Unless you end up with labia lips like Lisa Rinna, no one will laugh at you or think you're a freak. I've partaken in some surgery and I doubt it will end here. Who wants to look old and flabby before your time?

11.) I think my mom is an amazing woman. She is the first person I call with any news, good or bad. She is the most selfless person I know. She has given so much of herself to be a good mother to me. She is an outrageously awesome grandma. She is crafty and detail-oriented. She has a great laugh. I wish I had her patience, organizational skills, capacity to sew, and calm, mothering nature. I can try but I will never be close to Dianne. Period.

12.) My dad is one of the funniest fucking people I know. He will say anything at any time in front of anyone. He is a great joke teller. He is socially charming and wonderful in a crowd. He is more popular than me at parties with my friends. I am grateful I gained my dad's sense of humor. He is also a great grandpa and a great friend. I love that my dad feels safe to confide in me. He is brutally honest but can be tender and insightful when I need him to be. I will never run out of stories about how my dad has made me laugh.

13.) I used to love going out to dance clubs. Who am I kidding? I STILL love it. Sultan and I met when we were in the height of our clubbing days. I love getting dressed up, I love getting attention. I think I am a bit of an attention whore as a matter of fact. Sometimes it frustrates me to run out of energy or hours of babysitter time and ruin my good vibe at a dance club. I know it's part of growing up. But I never want to act like the lame, dorky mom who uses her status as child-bearer to be just that....LAME.

14.) I enjoy vulgar humor. Physical humor--farting, belching, bodily functions--are all things that make me snort out loud. Check out Andy Samberg's "Jizz In My Pants" or his bit with Justin Timberlake and Beyonce in leotards. I enjoy the belching part in the movie Elf. I love the old "Oops, I Crapped My Pants" Saturday Night Live skit. I am not juvenile, it's funny as shit. If you don't think so you are too fucking uptight.

15.) I hate thong underwear. It's an old rant but I have spent my whole life trying to get my underwear OUT of my ass. When I try to wear ass-floss it makes my pants then ride up my crack. Who wants to see that?! That's not sexy. It's itchy. I have invested in several pairs of sexy boyshorts which I think are just as hot. Screw thongs.

16.) I really, really want to be able to dance hip hop. But my confidence blows. I think I'm a great ballet teacher. I just never learned hip hop when I was young. My feelings of awkwardness outweigh my desire to learn to dance like a superfly bee-otch. That sucks.

17.) I am in awe of women who can handle more than three children. It astounds me. There was a time I thought we would want three, even four children. But I was not blessed with much patience. At least I can recognize that. I believe I would be a lousy mother to any more kids. Does that sound terrible? I think I'm a decent, on some days even great, mother.

18.) I love sushi. I used to be the chicken teriyaki chick at the Japanese restaurant. I couldn't use chopsticks. Now I love that shit. Chopsticks, fish eggs, wasabi, sake, the whole bit. If I had to choose a last meal on this earth it would be sushi.

19.) I have a giant head. It does not fit in women's sized hats. The brims of an extra-large hat pinch me a leave a ring around my skull like a noose. If it not knit, it don't fit. Thank God for hoods.

20.) Lately I have been wondering how many more years I will want to teach dance. I enjoy it but the attention level and disrespect of students has been making me crazy. I have had nightmares about it. I think even 5 year-olds should have a basic knowledge of what is acceptable behavior. Trouble is their parents don't. I am starting to feel really burnt out. When the frustrations outweigh the enjoyment isn't it time for a change?

21.) I would do anything for my children. I sometimes yell and curse but I love them with all my heart. I would kill someone should any harm come to them. I see myself and Sultan in them. It is amazing to be a parent. I am so proud of my girls.

22.) I have asked myself lately, what really and truly makes you happy? The one thing I enjoy more than anything else in this world? Making people laugh. I think I am pretty damn good at it. I love hearing people laugh when I am telling a story. I love it when I hear people think my blog is funny as hell. I don't know how I could make this into a job or something that fulfills my soul. But it would be damn awesome if I could.

23.) I would piss myself if I could come up with some way to get my writing, what I have already done or what I have yet in my giant melon-like skull, published. I want this to be my future somehow. I don't know how or when but I see it as my destiny. (No, I am not smoking weed right now.)

24.) I loved sleepovers as a kid. I had lots of sleepovers with my cousin, Heather. We were such great friends growing up. I miss her. See, there's my nostalgia kicking in again! I hate it when my kids have them because they are whiney brats for two days but I know why they love them.

25.) I miss Grand Rapids lately. Every time I visit I remember things about my childhood. I know thinking about moving back is not realistic with Sultan's job. I know so many people who live there. It makes me sad I cannot see them all during the few visits we make each year. I sometimes bitched about it as being small town growing up but now I see its charm. I am one nostalgic bitch.

There, now you know 25 random maybe who-gives-a-shit things about me. Enlightened?