Gee, That's Awkward

Isabella looked closely at my face without makeup awhile ago. She noticed that my eyelashes are pale. She said, "Mommy, your eyelashes are blond at the ends, brown in the middle, and black at the bottom. Isn't that awkward?" I love how little kids can ask the most random questions with pure sincerity. I don't think she really grasped the true meaning of the word 'awkward'.

I'll tell you some things that are awkward, some have happened to me, many have not. I'm just throwin' it out there.......

*Dropping the can of shaving cream on your big toe then bashing your head on the shower door when you go to pick it up.

*Having your child fart so bad it smells like roadkill in the car just before you pick up the babysitter.

*Farting really loud in yoga class... right across from one of your former ballet student's mother.

*Sharting in your pants when you are wearing your new Victoria's Secret boyshorts.

*Having your daughter exclaim, "Mom, that wafer gives you REALLY bad breath!!" when she passes the director of religious education after doing a trial run of first communion.

*Not realizing you have total camel toe in your cute, new, pale gray yoga pants.

*Calling your boyfriend/husband by an ex's name when you come out of your coma.

*Getting your period on a person's white couch. And you just met them. Nice first impression. Who the hell buys a WHITE couch anyways?!

*Having those pesky pictures of you wearing nipple tassels show up before you apply for that teaching position....at an all-girls Catholic school.

*Buying an air freshener for your car and thinking it will smell like Hawaiian Breeze, only to discover it smells like Hellman's mayonnaise....

*Going home with a new swimsuit only to discover pubes stuck all over the "hygienic liner"....and they're not yours.

*Seeing your math teacher head into a gay bar wearing a dog collar and nipple clamps.

*Exclaiming, "Hi LISA!!!" to your friend from the gym who shows up at your house for a jewelry party only to have her tell you in a super pissed-off tone, "My NAME is SUSAN." Ooops. Spend the whole night alternating between apologizing and drinking profusely. You will now have a bad hangover, STILL not recall her name, and this chick ain't ordering SHIT to earn you some free jewelry.

*Attending a dinner party, having 6 or 8 glasses of your favorite Pinot Grigio on an empty stomach, bitching about "how much you fucking hate beef, especially pot roast or roast beef. It makes you gag worse than when you gave your first BJ." You ask the hostess what she's serving "to soak up the booze" and she quietly informs you, "Pot roast." Damn.

*Getting bit on the ass by a snake when you are taking a squat piss in the woods. Camping sucks. Hope it's not poisonous because you can be DAMN sure I will let you die before sucking the venom from your butt cheek.

*Having to attend a formal dinner for your husband's company when you decided to use the new "Hyper Tan Maxi-Quick Formula" for the first time last night before bed. Half of it rubbed off on your sheets, the other half stuck to you like a fine coat of powdered nacho cheese. You look like a tie-dyed Chester Cheetah on the Cheetos bag. Including the palms of you hands, superfreak.

*Making fun of people who are fat and lazy and use the "I've got an under-active thyroid" excuse for being obese. You get diagnosed with an under-active thyroid and balloon up to 320. You now use a Rascal to get around and haven't seen your feet in some time. Karma's a bitch, ain't it?

I have to go put some underwear on now. In my PJ's I like to be "free and easy". Wow, that totally sounded kinky and I didn't even mean to go there... Anyhow, my kids decided to "pants" me (pull down my pants when I'm not expecting it) tonight and got a nice view of Mommy's beav'. Ooops. Now THAT'S awkward.