What is that SMELL?!

Every time I open my damn fridge it smells like someone farted. And I'm talking 3 7-layer burritos from Taco Bell and a side of refried beans fart smell. Or even Thanksgiving Day turkey fart bad. Or worse yet, me after I've eaten a full-size quinoa salad from the health club (read prior post regarding my superfluous flatulence upon consuming this low-fat grain from hell...).

Our fridge is chock-full (holy shit, that totally sounds like a mom comment) of bullshit. Fruits and veggies, dips, eggs, yogurt, deli meats and cheeses, enough condiments and salad dressings to fully stock an All-U-Can Eat salad bar, and even more shit I don't even remember putting in there to begin with. So it stands to reason I can't figure out what exactly smells like my asshole on a hot summer day.

I begin flinging stuff out with abandon because I just can't take it anymore. Is something spoiled? Is there a dead cat I overlooked tucked away in my produce drawer? Did the kids put a stink bomb in my deli drawer as a joke? I am not fucking laughing here. I pull out some items in plastic produce bags that were once zucchini or peppers but now resemble slimy mucus. (Oddly enough they don't stink...) I find baggies of half-eaten sandwiches, string cheese, and brownish apple slices. My kids never go back and finish old crap they ate half of. It's old so let's make Mom cut some fresh, NEW apples. Demon spawn...

Where is my mystery stench coming from??!! I now have to light a match every time I open the fridge, as if my bother "blew heat" with sulphurous glory. I refuse to let my kids have playdates because, let's face it, if a grownup blames a fart smell on a FRIDGE they clearly are the guilty party. And my kids eat snacks like they've got a tapeworm when friends are over...non-stop food orgy.

I shove my head INTO the refrigerator and alternate between sniffing and gagging. So nasty. Finally, FINALLY, I discover my culprit. Mother fucking STRAWBERRIES. Not spoiled, totally fresh, and smelling like a flatulence extravaganza. How can a delicious, sweet-tasting fruit smell like death? I'm not quite sure but I assure you, it did.

We finished that fruit, which oddly did NOT smell like ass when it was exposed to the open air outside my fridge. The kids had strawberries with breakfast, lunch and dinner till they were gone. I now buy them and place them in baggies. I can't risk being labeled as the "Gassy Mom" in Sophie and Isabella's circle of friends. I am already probably known as the Yelling Mom or the Potty Mouth Mom but I draw the line at farting. Some shit just isn't cool.