If I could just go back......

Do you ever contemplate what it would be like to go back in time? For a day? A week? A year? It could be back to middle school, maybe high school, maybe even to a job you really loved or hated. I'm aware of the movie where Drew Barrymore got to go back, not literally in time, but still return to high school. It was called Never Been Kissed. Total chick movie but cute.

Sometimes I think like George Costanza from Seinfeld. I wish I could have some great one-liners that would stun the people into verbal submission. I can recall a kid from high school saying some dumb-ass comment about me not washing my hair, which I was meticulous about and won the title "Best Hair" Senior year so he was clearly a delusional fuckwad. I still remember that and would love to say, "Oh yeah, well at least I have a full head of hair and am not prematurely balding at 17. Is your ball sack as hairless as the front of your skull, douche bag?!" I think he might have cried like the insecure bully he was and maybe even peed himself a wee bit.

I had the ultimate BOSS FROM HELL for my first real job out of college.Her name was Paulette and she was the anti-Christ. She had a total Napoleon complex due to her short tree trunk legs and drive-in-movie-size ass. She sought me out for daily verbal abuse, sometimes bringing me to tears. She got pissed at me for walking to a meeting with the wrong group of people (it was Neiman Marcus for fuck's sake, what are there Couture GANGS I was hanging with?!). She got mad at me for having a coffee in my office before the God damn store was open, though the entire fucking management staff guzzled Corner Bakery cappuccinos and football-sized muffins. She turned into a rabid Jewish Yorkie (well not really but that's what she reminded me of with her tiny head and ugly schnoz...) yipping at me for 10 minutes when I wasn't at my assigned post in ladies' swimwear before store opening. Whore. I know if my parents were rolling in dough that they so happened to spend at Michigan Avenue Neiman Marcus AND if I was a Jew and not a Catholic girl from a smaller town in Michigan, perhaps she would have overlooked all my horrible problems. I hated that twat.

I learned that she and her husband opened a bed and breakfast in Michigan. Aside from the fantasy where I tell her to go fuck herself and dump the shitty, burnt cafeteria coffee all over her ugly-ass Armani suit, I have one more little idea. I want to check into this B&B, all by my lonesome, dressed to the nines in designer shit. I will flash my presumed money and butter her up enough to get her guard down. I will destroy my room by doing all sorts of covert shit. I will leave shrimp tails in the curtain rods (heard a nifty story of someone actually moving out of their home because of the fish stench). I will spread Tobasco sauce on all the cushions so guests will get hot ass cheeks. I will unzip the mattress pad and slip slices of super stinky German cheese underneath, you know the kind that smells like dirty socks? I will leave several shits in the back of the tank, also known as an "Upper Decker", so the disgusting odor will not be discovered for WEEKS. (Kind of like those damn strawberries in my fridge...) She will earn such a bad reputation as a hostess and then I will send her my old Neiman Marcus nametag and a little note that reads, "I hope I have totally fucked you and made your life miserable because ironically that's what you did to me for 2 1/2 years. I hope you have no friends, a dried up poonani because the thought of boinking you makes your husband vomit in his mouth, and that your grow warts on your little shrunken head. You are a despicable, ugly, nasty, spiteful, bitchy cunt of a human being. It is wonder no one has smacked you on the side of the head with a large frying pan. You truly deserve it. That and a raging case of the crabs. Sincerely, A Classy Babe You Shit All Over and is More MONEY Than You Will Ever Have or Be"

Or I could just go to church and pray she is happy with her lot in life. Fuck it, where is that damn Mapquest site?.......