If I Were the Doctor

Do you ever notice that some doctors seem to be on a little power trip? I'm talking MEDICAL doctors here, not PhD's, though I had some bizarre college professors who took joy in being uber-weird. I think sometimes a guy, though women can be bitch docs, too, take pleasure in belittling those around them--staff, patients, parents, whomever. It makes their already grandiose ego bigger to know they can make another person serve their over-paid ass.

I saw woman on her lunch break at Target yesterday. She was clearly a nurse and I immediately assumed her boss, a doctor no doubt, was a dill-weed because she was wearing turd brown scrubs. (The shapeless, baggy pants and top uniform of nurses and most hospital staff.) Now this clothing is not figure-flattering or attractive in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I would venture a guess that the only time someone got a piece of ass thanks to this clothing was after back-to-back 24-hours shifts in the ER and the person thought they were screwing a pillow in the staff lounge.

If I were the doctor, I would choose at least a pleasant color for my staff. And none of this puppies and balloons clown motif on pastel blue and pink gingham. Sheets in a nursery are meant to have this pattern, not a pair of pants with an owner who is a size 18. Okay, I don't hate you if you are a fat nurse, those crazy shifts and plethora of crappy junk food around do make it hard to stay svelte. But aren't you sick of looking like a giant stuffed animal that belongs on a "Congrats, It's A Girl!" bouquet?!! I say DOWN with kiddie prints and disgusting colors (turd brown, vomit green, rust orange, etc..)!!!! And screw those tight gathered cuffs and ankle hems. Is your work uniform supposed to look like one of those vinyl suits from the 70's where you could "sweat the fat away"? If you are a nurse or member of any medical staff, your panties should be in a wad right about now.

So aside from making their staff wear unflattering pastel puffy suits, how else do doctors suck? Well they can treat you like a drug addict when you ask for the littlest type of prescription medication beyond Tylenol. I had a doctor once who treated me like I was Robert Downey Junior after his 4th arrest for drug possession if I asked him for 5 Xanax. He hesitated and then DENIED me, claiming he didn't really feel I needed it. EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME!!!!! Do you walk a day in my shoes?! Some times, once in awhile, I have a hard time settling MYSELF down after getting into a screaming match with both of my daughters and putting them to bed. I do not have a time out corner. I do not soothe myself through drinking (it makes me want to eat bad food). So when I am not going anywhere other than sitting my ass on the couch or in bed with a book, an occasional Xanax has been known to help me chill. Yet Doctor Fucknuts willingly prescribed Xanax, Valium, and Ambien to Sultan-----with refills!!!
"Excuse me, Mr Ghahtani, would you like some Vicodin or perhaps even some Oxycontin? "
"No, that's okay, doc. I'm set for at least a year."
"perhaps I can score you some meth or even some smack? I know a dealer just a phone call away! Care for some Scotch while we're waiting?"......And so on.

I have also had a crazy, Chinese neurologist who got all crazy irritated when I wanted to continue breast feeding my daughter while I was on this particular medication.
Dr. Ho, "Oooooohhhhh! You may-kah me CRAZY!! You STILL breastfeed?!!"
Me, "Yes, Long Duck Dong, I enjoy providing my baby with the greatest nourishment and nutritionally sound food for her. It is cost effective and I hope my titties sag so badly that my husband will get me a boob job as soon as she's done suckling my TEAT!!!" (Truth be told, Sophie was a pain in my ass and would not take a bottle if her life depended on it. Breast fed exclusively for 13 long months. Her high maintenance qualities began at a young age..)
Then fast forward a it and Dr. Ho exclaimed his disdain when he told us we wanted another baby, maybe even two more.
Dr. Ho, "OOOHHHHH!! You still may-kah me CRAAAAAZY! You hafta make lot of money to have baby!!!" as he pointed furiously to Sultan.
To say this physician had a slightly lacking bedside manner was like saying Flavor Flav' is slightly annoying when he's drunk. Just because you went to school for 27 years, drive an ugly Mercedes (I prefer BMW's), have more degrees hung on your wall than a 13 year-old has posters of the Jonas Brothers, and can prescribe medication does not mean you are a God. Plus money has clearly not bought you class, as I see with your Sears men's slacks and pleather shoe slippers from Walmart.

We need physicians in our lives. I would be dead without a named few. But it doesn't mean I have loved them all. If I find a doc who I click with you better bet I have them on speed dial (okay, as soon as I figure out how to program that shit on my cell...). So if you are one of the many swarthy insurance monger companies I have had the displeasure of being "covered" by over the years and you suddenly decided, say for instance, my OB/GYN is no longer accepted under your plan, look out. I will hunt you down and shove a dirty speculum up your schnoz. My doc and I have an intimate relationship. Just because you are bitter you had to wear lavender polka dot scrubs with newborn puppies being carried by storks for 5 years, don't fuck me here. I will see to it United Healthcare instills a new turd brown scrub dress code.