Up My Ass

I complained recently about a phenomenon known as a "ledgie", or a wedgie in the front between your labes. Today I would like to bitch about the good ol' fashioned, straight up (the ass) wedgie. The kind the cuts circulation off to your asshole and leaves passersby wondering why I didn't just choose a pair of undies that FIT?! Sigh. I am realizing I do not own one pair of panties that does NOT ride up my ass.

The only way I can solve this problem of ASS proportions (pun intended) is by omitting the underwear routine. That's right, call my Lindsey or Britney or even Paris, I guess I will be going "smokeless", as my dad fondly calls it. This is not foreign to me since I never wear panties with my leotard and tights for ballet. Not a big deal since I've been wearing it that way forever but probably TMTH for many of you. I can't think of any other alternative, can you?

I wear boy shorts, which are pretty long as undies go and they still are crack creepers. I wear a thong which is already placed up the ass crevice but it causes my pants to also ride up, looking like I am smuggling two large Honey Baked Hams in my ass. Doesn't leave much to the imagination does it? I wear regular bikini briefs and they are clearly on a mission to hit Wedgie-Ville by the time I'm through with my warm up before my classes at the gym. What gives, you bastard underwear assortment?!

Maybe it is the shape of my ass that causes these issues. I looked at myself naked after my shower yesterday with very dim lighting. I noticed I have bit of THASS going on. That is where your thigh and ass blend seamlessly together. Thanks to my spin class I have minimal cellulite (thank you, God, for making all the blood, sweat, and sometimes tears pay off) but my butt cheek seems to have fused with my leg.

I asked my friend, Chris, today, who is a weight lifting expert, what types of exercises I can do to give me a separate ass at the top of my leg. She quickly showed my several machines and exercises to help. I will diligently work on this to achieve my goal. Bye bye, solid chunk of THASS, hello tight ass and toned thigh muscle!!! If this doesn't work I am pursuing spray adhesive, which I was told pageant gals use to keep their swimsuits in place or to glue their boobies in perma-cleavage. With my luck I will have a mishap and then spray glue my cooch shut. Then I will have to deal with my ASSGINA beause my poonani and butt will meld as one. I'll try those dead lifts with the barbell so I can spare you the gory details of such a travesty....