Burn, Baby, Burn

Yup, this is me and Jaymz Tuaileva, who was on So You Think You Can Dance (last year) and a little ditty I like to call High School Musical 2. Remember the scene with the dark-haired lifeguard who helps Sharpay to her chair by the pool? Yup, that's Jaymz, who I highly doubt has his name spelled that way on his birth certificate. He came to teach at a dance convention called Urban Jamm. The reason why I look like a trailer park hooker is that it was Disco Night. I did not win the costume contest (bitter? Not me!) because I was a teacher, not one of the cute little students. What? You mean I don't look like a student?! I think security at the hotel got really fucking nervous because I walked past the wedding reception and told them I was the secret entertainment the groom requested. The cluster of bridesmaids giggled but I know were thinking, "Holy shit! This is the stripper Rick took all those dirty pictures with!! Don't tell Suzy!!"

I'm a reality TV junkie and get easily starstruck. I got to accompany my friend to pick up Jaymz from the airport when he came to teach at a dance festival right here in Bolingbrook. He is pretty damn nice but I think that's because he's Mormon. Isn't that in their commitment seal to Jesus or something? He doesn't drink alcohol or anything with caffeine. How does avoiding Starbuck's make you a better person exactly? 'Cause I am one evil bitch WITHOUT caffeine so I can only see myself becoming more pure and devout after a venti skim latte. I might be considered for sainthood with the mere amount of home-brewed Verona roast coarsing through my veins at this very moment.

I am all about people practicing their own religions, it's your right to believe what you want. Please don't preach to me about your God or way of worshipping being THE WAY. I had a hairdresser once who happened to be Mormon. She adamantly warned me against delivering a baby in a hospital (versus at home with my trusty mid-wife, Guinevere Shalom Sky). She said her friend's baby had a mysterious piece of metal poking out of her baby's foot. It turned out is was a microchip implanted by the GOVERNMENT so they could track her! Now she doesn't drink booze, do drugs, or even allow herself a fucking diet Coke but I'm pretty sure she's addicted to seeing what Jack Bauer is up to on 24 each week. I also hate being recruited to "just come check out" a church. I know you all have the best of intentions regarding this. Maybe it's my deep-rooted Catholic guilt. I remember being babysat by some weird family who dragged us to their non-Catholic, lots of singing and guitar playing, strange church. I am just used to my Stand!Sit!Kneel!Pray! routine with my recognizable list of songs I grew up with. Call me a creature of habit, I really don't give a shit. I know what I like..I was wavering with my views on Catholicism and I talked about this with a few people. Apparently there is an underground society who takes it upon themselves to find out when someone is seeking religion in their life.. "Did you hear?! Molly is a lost soul! Let's SAVE her!" "My husband is a pastor at our church and we practice non-denominational animal worship, our sabbath is on Tuesdays at 3 am, can you come?" I know what I believe, I try to lead a decent life. I drink occassionally, enjoy swearing and making fun of people who are annoying, ignorant, mean, or ugly. I pray, go to church as regularly as I can manage, take the Pill (cause if I got knocked up again you would hear an animalistic scream unlike any you've ever heard), and have many gay friends that I adore. I don't think girls who like boobies and playing softball are going to hell any more than I am. I hope there are plenty of gay people in Heaven because Lord knows I need someone to wear my giant, white feather boa with..