A Tale of a Witch and a Bitch

So this is my neighbor. She is an honest to God witch. She even has a big mole on her chin with, at last count since I try not to look at her too closely, SIX big black hairs growing out of it. She is pure evil. Ironically she is the cousin of the N. F. Family (that's Nameless Fucks to those who haven't yet read about them). Now Mrs. N.F. has officially been titled The Supreme Almighty Bitch under my supreme name-calling authority. She thinks in her tiny little mind buried under her really, REALLY big hair that she is Adriana La Cerva from the Sopranos. The snake-ass bitch that got offed in the woods. Ratting out friends and neighbors won't get you anywhere!!! So why do I have my panties in a wad you ask? Well our lovely Village of Bolingbrook sent us another little friendly (my ass) reminder to trim our tall grass and weeds before Sunday. Excuse me but WHAT?! We have mowed and trimmed all that shit up. We practically gave our lawn "the Brazilian", if ya' know what I mean. If you're referring to the weeds that are a little unruly around the inside of our own backyard fence, go stick your citations up your hairy fat ass. And I hope you get a paper cut doing it. I am ordering a set of twelve pairs of the most obnoxious pink plastic lawn flamingos online because no self-respecting Lowe's, Home Depot, or Menard's would carry them. I called to ask and they laughed. If they were living next to MY fuckwad neighbors I bet their managers would have a whole AISLE of tacky-ass lawn ornaments. If I get any heat or police interference I will claim this:#1) My family originally hails from Florida (lie). My grandmother is dying (big lie) and I am paying homage to her by displaying her favorite birds. #2)It is my way of celebrating the last few days of summer. These birds are warm weather creatures so it is seasonally appropriate. #3)I am starting a new trend that will be 100 times hotter than those douche-bag dress-up geese. Why not dress up TWENTY FOUR seasonal flamingos!!! How festive would that be?! All different Halloween costumes. Santa and his elf flamingos. Cupid birdies with red and pink heart tutus. Flamingos with pints of Guiness and emerald green scarves. The possibilities and MIND BLOWING!! You think I'm out of my fucking mind but I really am not. This is war on shitty neighbors. Excuse me, I must go iron on the letters "Go Ahead, CALL the Cops!!" onto my t-shirt and pants for tomorrow. Honk your horn if you drive by my house and like what you see!!