This is NOT Wisteria Lane

So when Sultan and I built out house in the burbs, many friends claimed we had sold out. After weighing our options in the city (wow, there IS a pretty scary ghetto in Evanston!), we built our nice house with a big yard, a driveway AND garage, and decent schools in Bolingbrook. I foolishly assumed that by living in community chock-full of young families, it would be Koom-Baya, bonfires, block parties, book clubs, and chatting with our coffee mugs in hand over our fences each morning while our kids all flitted from yard to yard to play together. Koom-Baya my ass...
So my husband travels. Sometimes ALOT. This is part of his job which enables us to lead the life we do. Lots of daddies are gone all week and come home for the weekend. So excuse the fuck out of me if daily yard cleanliness is not Numero Uno on my list of "Gotta Do Today Or I Might Offend My Neighbors". God forbid my grass reach above the pre-requisite 3/4" guidleine SOME asshole set which were did not receive the memo on. Now this Namelss Fuck (Let's call him N.F.) has a mowing service cut his grass and end and manicure his bushes Mr. Miyagi-style like a damn bonsai tree twice a week. He also conveniently has underground sprinklers. Well la-dee-frickin-da for you. It also helps that he works a shift that leaves him home during the day. No travel for Mr. N.F. .
So Mr. Happy Ass is the supreme authority in lawn maitenance--again, I did NOT receive the memo on this when we moved into our neighborhood. It has rained like a damn monsoon over the past few weeks here. It has made everyone's grass pretty damn unruly. Now I'm not talking hillbilly grass that I could hide dead bodies in but definitely above the violation length we do not adhere to. Forgive me, sweet Lord of Lawncare!!! Mr. N.F. decided our foliage was so completely out of hand that he needed to take it upon himself to notify our local law enforcement agency to do something about this. As much as I appreciate your diligence in your own lawn appearance, please kindly go fuck yourself.
Mr. Happy Officer gave us three separate notices of violations that we needed to remedy within three days. We had to trim all lawn/tall grasses on our property, tend to all our weeds and "nuisance" foliage that was overgrown, and please remove our annoying blue recycle bins so they are NOT in plain view of the street by the end of our trash/recycle day. How, sweet Jesus, could I possibly be so careless and inconsiderate?? Okay, those crazy blue recycling bins are placed next to my house, sometimes for a day or two. I can't fit my damn Partridge Family Windstar in our garage so I have no reason to open the damn garage door. Eat me. Our "nuisance foliage" consists of one, pretty healthy large bush which happens to have some large branches which grow and hang over towards Mr. N.F.'s property. We're not talling even touching his God damn lawn. The branches have not attempted to strangle his three children. It is not a marijuana tree. It is a tall, thriving BUSH.
So this has made me ever-so-overjoyed because two of their kids are in the exact same grade as mine. The kids' classroom Halloween parties this year will be like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton reuniting at the Palms when Mrs. N.F. shows up with her plate of Rice Krispie treats. I must go now, because I have to make sure Home Depot still stocks those beautiful, pink plastic lawn flamingos. I need at least 50 of them. And where could I get once of those bathtub shrines to put my metallic Gay Pride neon sign in? Remember, a well-kept lawn is a sign you will get in to Heaven!!!!!