I wear leotards on occassions you would not expect a suburban mom to need one. I love the sucked-in feeling of a nice, tight, spandex-laden garment which smooths out all my lumps and bumps. It's like a hug of love but with stretchy fabric, not arms.. Although I am a ballet teacher, I wear this handy little clothing article far beyond the dress-code needs of my teaching role. As a matter of fact, I am wearing one right now. Now don't get all creeped out, I'm not camped on my little IKEA office chair with my ass cheeks poking precariously out the sides of a neon green thong little number. It is cleverly hidden beneath my clothing. I'll be honest, this low-rise waistband bullshit is getting really, really old with me. No one wants to see my mom-alicious waist (or what USED to be a waistline) hanging out with my butt crack in tow. Wearing a leotard ensures no one will be tortured by catching a glimpse of my bleary tattoo on my lower back, engraved when I was a young'un at Michigan State. I honestly don't even remember what the hell the symbolism is so please stop asking me. I was 21 at the time. I wasn't sober very often that year.
I sometimes also enjoy wearing tights to accompany my spandex under attire. This further guarantees that my ass, stomach, AND legs will magically appear as smooth as one of those Brazilian bitches who model for Victoria's Secret. On a much larger scale of course, but SMOOTH. I don't go all crazy, like Miss Lohan here, in here 80's regalia. No legwarmers to accessorize. The tights are not St. Tropez Tan with a metallic sheen. I keep my addiction incognito. My dance students know my fetish. I often flash my tightly covered mid-section, asking, "Did you ever have any DOUBT Miss Molly would be wearing a leotard?" Even in a most innocent stretching warm-up exercise I cannot take the risk of one of my back fat rolls, which cleverly resemble an 8-pack of hot dog buns, sneaking out to say hello.
So I'd love to thank Jane Fonda for ushering in the status of the leotard. Her French-cut shiny leotards with matching Elasta-Belt made all of us want to head to the gym to jump around to the Go-Go's with our girlfriends. No more working out in your husband's baggy t-shirts, you need to show off those curves, lady! And please, for the love of God, tease up that permed mullet to heights unknown! Wrap that look all up with a braided, metallic headband and you are ready for one kick-ass workout! Aside from an actual Jane Fonda vidoe I have not seen any better respresentation of this era gone by than this video. Thank you, Saturday Night Live...
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