So please somebody tell me WHY exactly God invented the red onion. Okay, sure it has a really pretty color. But there are many other onions that could do the same damn job this little killer does. I ate a salad today (love Panera Fuji Apple Chicken---deeelish!! So sorry I just sounded like that annoying twat, Rachael Ray..). The lovely little food assembly workers must have a quota of the amount of red onions they must use per salad or sandwich. I think mine had about 3/4 of a good size red onion dancing its stinky little rings all over my already flavorful chicken and dried apple slices. Way to fuck up a delicious salad, you over-zealous root vegetable. To say the red onion has a slightly pungent odor is like saying Charlie Sheen has a SLIGHT addiction to porn, hookers, and gambling. My dragon-ass breath has been haunting me all day long. I burped under my breath at my hair salon and was about to punch the person behind me with the rank odor but then realized the person smelling like a dumpster was ME. I have brushed my tongue with Aqua Fresh toothpaste 6 times. I have licked a bath towel. I have swished with vodka. Got a buzz but I still smell like ass. I have an aura of stink right now that permeates the room. Even if I held my breath, my pores are spewing Eau de Onion Rouge as we speak. So I'm judging a vegetable by its color, so what. Okay I'm going to lay it out there so it's not a secret any more. I only like WHITE onions. There, I said it. I have to go, I'm going to suck on one of those blue toilet Tidy Bowl disks in hopes I will be allowed into normal-scented society tomorrow.
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