I Am Outing My Liberace Beta Fish

This is a classic rant I wrote last year. I've had a few requests to see it again so here it is. Pinkie Pie and Starfire have since passed on to their gay, hot pink fish bowl in the sky. Actually they are still in my freezer in two jewelry boxes because they both bit it in the winter when the ground is too damn frozen to bury them outside. I hope I don't accidentally confuse them for anchovies and put them into pasta sauce...

Okay so as a few of you know, I recently bought two beta fish for my kids. It seemed to be a pet that is low-maintenance, cheap, and entertaining enough. I have their bowls facing each other because I want them to be able to see one another. If they are together they will apparently kill each other. Have you ever seen these fish?! I can only compare them to two incredibly flamboyant drag queens who are having a Madonna-esque "Vogue-off", circa 1990. If I had to imagine their dialogue it might go a little something like this...
Starfire: "Now just WHO in the hell do you think YOU are?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Now I KNOW you are not tryin' to get all up in my grill!"
Starfire: "You think you ALL THAT just cuz' you got those queenie-ass magenta colored fins...Looks like a damn cheap-ass boa from Frederick's of Hollywood.."
Pinkie Pie: "Oh no you DINNNN'T!!! Yo' powder blue shit be lookin' like a lame' dress from Dynasty, Linda Evans-style!"
Starfire: "Are you sayin' you want a piece of this,bitch?!"
Pinkie Pie: "Why?! Like yo' scrawny lil' ass could take a fish like me? You couldn't handle all these scales!!"
Starfire: "..I've had BIGGER AND BETTER..You look like a Chicken o' the Sea crack whore!"
Pinkie Pie: "At least my ass isn't jonesin' at the top o' the bowl for food like Kirstie Allie!"
Starfire: "You try to fit yo' ass up out of dat bowland COME AND GET SOME!! Least if you die they can make yo' hide into a cheap dollar store wallet..."
Pinkie Pie: "Try a PRADA wallet, bitch!"
Starfire: "Yeah, that's P-R-A-H-D-U-H from the purse party that's gonna get busted anyhow, you fake slut!"
Pinkie Pie: "Least my scales are real.."
Starfire: "You saying I got SYNTHETIC?! Bitch, I pump some serious ass seaweed to get this figure!!"
Pinkie Pie: "That's not ALL I seen you pumpin'...."
Starfire: "OH NO YOU DINNNNNNN'T!!!!!!!!!!!"
...So you see, I have some time on my hands to be analyzing some Petsmart fish like this. I need to get out more...