So there are certain technologies I literally could not live without. Caller ID, for example. I swear to God I would never answer my phone without it. And before all of you chime in unison, "That bitch SOOOOO screens my calls!!" Know this...I DO screen calls but I also really, really suck at calling people back. REALLY suck. It's not that you don't mean enough to me, truly I care about all of you. It's just that on my way to grab the phone I remember that I want a Diet Coke. I remember the guinea pigs need to be fed when I look into my fridge. As I chop up parsley, baby carrots, and English cucumber for my hairy rodents (yes, they eat more well-rounded meals than I frickin' do), I remember Sophie needs an apple for school tomorrow. As I set it out on the counter I see a Nintendo that needs charging. As I plug that in I remember I have to pack sweatshirts into backpacks for school. As I search for the sweatshirts I remember we have no clean laundry and the kids will have to wear stained baby clothes if I don't get my ass in gear. As I head to the laundry room I see the damn bills I forgot to pay...stop me if you get the jist. I am easily distracted. Hey, I'm blonde, in case you forgot!!! So when I see any sort of 800 or 866 or 888 numbers, I will not answer it. Even if you swear on your dying grandma's life that it's your home number, I will not be talking to you via that connection. Piss off. Also if you tend to talk for more than 30 minutes per call and you have heard me utter "ANYYYYWAYS..." chances are I don't enjoy talking to you for thirty minutes. Get to the point, 5 minutes or less. You know who the hell you are.
I check my e-mail so often you would think I am running my own porn download service, at-home EBay store, and stay-at-home mommy chatroom. Nope, no dice. I am a loser who doesn't even categorize the random shit I get in Japanese to spam mail because hey, it IS mail!! But how the fuck did I get on their e-mail list?..I have gotten better with my computer in general. I can figure a few easy things out. Sultan has to treat my like a 5 year-old when he tries to teach me new shit. I take that back, Isabella is pretty swift with her skills so maybe I'm at a 2 year-old's level..I can cut and paste. I can attach files. I can dowload pictures. That's about it. I'm a computer moron.
TIVO should be canonized for sainthood, though I know it's not technically a person. But this little genius invention HAS saved many lives and performed countless miracles. If someone would have asked me 10 years ago if there would EVER be a way to record Survivor while watching Taxicab Confessions, program a series of shows every damn week to be recorded without the aid of my VCR and me standing next to it, AND pause live TV so I could take a shit I would have punched them in the head with one of my seven remotes. But look at me now!!! I don't even bother with live TV, who needs commercials?! Unless it's Superbowl Sunday, I can avoid that bullshit altogether. Hallelujah!
The cell phone is a nice little gadget--convenient, portable, discreet (unless you're the asshole with the Usher remix ringtone that blasted during the middle of Knocked Up). The whole revolution of texting is a little more than I can handle. Kids can text faster than that fucking bunny living under my steps makes a booty call. They complain of sore wrists and thumbs. Like a cross between carpal tunnel syndrome and chronic masturbating. In that respect, I feel like an 82 year-old lady who refuses to understand call-waiting or debit cards. I will stick to writing pretty little notes or even plain old e-mail. Also, if you are super proficient in the texting jargon, I don't know what the fuck you are saying to me. You might as well be speaking drunk Hebrew to me---I just don't get it. How did that even come about? I know it's a smaller screen and SUCH a pain to type a whole word out. Let's just spell like we're psyched to be on the 6-year high-school plan to get our Good Enough Diploma. Spell it right, you techno savvy teens. You make me feel like a geezer.
I remember having a 16-inch TV that you had to pull the knob,which had actually broken off so we used pliers, to turn it on. No remote in my house. When cable came along and we went from having 5 or 6 channels to--holy shit!!!!--TWENTY SIX!!!!!! The insanity of so many choices kept us entertained for hours on end. But the sweet device we used was still not a remote. It was this mustard yellow flat box attached to the TV with a really long matching cord. It didn't quite reach the couch so I could sit my lazy ass on the carpet, bag of Oreos in hand, and not have to touch the knobs to switch the channels. Could life get any better?!! Our phone in our kitchen was attached to the wall by a long spirally cord. No privacy on the phone in the good ol' days. And I just answered the phone without thinking, "Gee, maybe this might be that pain-in-the-ass person I can't stand talking to!!" In the 80's we played Russian Roulette every time we picked up that giant corded phone. I survived and I'm proud.
TIVO is wonderful but makes my kids look like the biggest brats ever. "Mommy, can't you just PAUSE Spongebob while we eat dinner?" Because they haven't seen the episode where Patrick and Spongebob have to paint Mr. Crab's house 357 times. I know I have. Sophie hasn't mastered the fine art of caller ID screening so she will answer the phone for anyone who calls. And tell them I don't want to talk to them because I'm naked or going poop in the bathroom. She enjoys talking on the phone but only when it's on speaker phone, so the whole house can hear her conversation about Webkinz (another phenomenon not unlike the craze of Cabbage Patch Kids when we were little. They are stuffed animals with an entire virtual world to play with online. Someone is REALLY rich from that idea and he is probably 14 years-old..) and shopping at Justice--Just for Girls! They both love the Nintendo DS we have (just one thus far) but are catatonic idiots when they play it. They both have asked for a cell phone and an IPod. At ages 5 and 7. I don't think so. I know some parents have given their kids every gadget known to man. Is it possible to make our kids any lazier?? Pretty soon their will be a computerized robot to take the dog out, do their homework, get them dressed, wipe their asses. I am not ready to see that day because when I am truly an old geezer, I want my own kids wiping my ass, not Tito The IRobot.
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