Britney gave Sultan an impromptu pole dance in London...okay, so it was her wax replica at Madame Toussaud's. She could only dream of looking so hot again. She is a freakin' mess, wouldn't you agree? Her life has been in the shitter for some time now. That trailer park trash diva could have made the biggest comeback EVER. But instead she decided to seek other options. Hanging out with Paris Hilton and going commando while drunk were top on her To Do list. The Shaved Head Bad Mommy routine is getting old pretty fuckin' quick. Let's rewind back a bit on her illustrious career. Personally, since Milli Vanilli I have not been a huge fan of lip-synching. It only leads to bad shit--embarassment, skipping CD players, HORRIBLE live singing performances. Good God, I don't know which of Satan's helpers this chick screwed to get her career off the ground. I think Flava' Flav acting in Hamlet would be more poignant that having to listen to this hooch sing. It's just painful. And then she smacks her gum in interviews and says "ya'll" about 200 times. She's so white trash it makes me want to hit on a cousin. And let's not forget someone like Lindsey Lohan. That cracked out loser can't act her way out of the paper bag that holds her fifth of Grey Goose she guzzles when she's driving. The only believeable shit she ever starred in was the Parent Trap when she was, like, nine years-old. Then Mommy and Daddy told her she was a SUPERSTAR and suddenly she's a drunk, hot mess. NO talent, no career, lip-synch-worthy recording voice, and all-access to the Hollywood social loser cicuit. Saying your are BFF's with Paris Hilton is NOT something I'd put on my resume.
I think there is a problem with parents nowadays. There is no tough love. Moms and Dads pump their kids up at whatever they show any interest in, even if they suck. "Little Johnny, you are the BEST dancer in your whole class!! You have got the coolest moves in town!" Now Little Johnny thinks he's Michael Jackson but in reality he's more like Bill Gates trying to pop and lock to a 50 Cent song. Not pretty. So Johnny tries out for So You Think You Can Dance and is humiliated when the judges laugh his ass off stage. "But my MOM says I'm the best!!" Holy shit. You don't have to tell your kids they dance like a drunk having a seizure or sing worse than William Hung but can we have a happy medium? Grow a spine and learn you cannot possibly be the best at everything Mommy says you are. If you believe this shit till you're old enough to be on your own, you will be living at home, having Mom wash your undies and cum-stained bathtowels, making you Spaghettios and grilled cheese for lunch, and cause you to NEVER have a serious girlfriend because you are such a shitbag loser who can't get their life together. Unless you live in Hollywood and have tons of money. Then you can make a record deal at least.
This society of kids growing up is so damn overindulged. See it, want it, get it. I am guilty of this, so sue me. It's hard to be a hard-ass when everyone caves. There are shopping carts with TV's in them to entertain your kids while you shop. Pretty soon there will be a kiddie cocktail bar with assorted frost-your-own cookies and learn how to crochet stations at your local grocery store. There is no level of understanding that "No, I will NOT get any sort of shitty little $5 toy or candy just because I see it when I'm at the grocery store with mom." It's more like "I'm going to whine, beat the crap out of my sister, and make armpit fart noises till mom is SO out of her mind and can't say the F-word so she'll HAVE to buy us something!!!" So here's your pack of Bubblicious Juicy Squirt Cavity Crunch Gum. Now SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE ALREADY!!!!!
Kids have no respect for their elders (now I sound like a geezer saying that..). They feel like they can say whatever they want with no ramifications. I was scared of my parents, well at least until I turned into a teenage bitch and was surlier than Paul McCartney and Heather Mills locked in an elevator together. My mom used to carry this bright orange, plastic hairbrush. When my brother and I were screwing around in the backseat, sliding all over because they apparantly hadn't invented carseats in 1978, my mom would slap that brush 4 or 5 times on the red vinyl seats of her Pimpmobile Mom car and we would sit at attention faster than one of Michael Vick's dogs. NO fucking around because Mom meant BUSINESS. And holy shit, let's hope she doesn't tell DAD!! It's weird because it's not like I got beaten by a belt or anything but the mere fear of any punishment was enough to scare the crap out of us. Nowadays it's like "Aaaand? What do you think you can do to ME that will make me give a shit? " This comment is completed by a Tyra Banks-esque neck giration of at least four full rotations.
So all I'm saying is, love your kids. Encourage them to do their best. Try lots of different things. Do not convince them that they can be Heidi Klum if they are 4'9" and the mass consumption of Doritos and Twinkies has made them grow and innertube of blubber. If your kid is clumsy and falls down more than Micket Rourke at happy hour, do not put them into figure skating. If your child is sixteen and still gets asked if his pictures on the fridge are from pre-school, maybe that art class ain't payin' off. Let's be realistic folks.
So what's the answer? Military school? Taking away all TV, computers, Nintendo and making them play using only their flowery imaginations? I admit somedays that's more punishment for my ass than theirs. Just set the rules early on. NO screwing around when it comes to how you act, period. Washing kids' mouth out with soap should make a BIG damn resurgence. The Loving Hands Time Out Corner stopped working at my house about 3 years ago. It closed for business when Isabella realized she could perfect a rolling temper tantrum all the way from the living room to the kitchen so her audience had a better view. A good swat on the ass never hurt me any. Grow up, go to school, then get the hell out of my house so I can have MY freedom back. If you don't like it, I'm sure K-Fed has some space at his pad...
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